Good morning, My name is God, and these are My instructions

Good morning, My name is God, and these are My instructions:

(1) As your Creator, I have given you a good brain, but I do not want you to use it, unless you are a priest.

(2) If you are a priest, I would like you to use your brain to invent lies and deceits about the origins of Christianity, to edit and suppress inspired scriptures you do not like, to invent good spiritual reasons why women should be oppressed and discriminated against, and to assemble dogmas which equate pleasure with evil, and Christianity with churchianity.

(3) Also, if you are a priest, I want you to use your brain to invent a theory of substitutionary atonement which embodies each of the following signifiers: (a) A chap gets killed a couple of thousand years before the current generation is born and, therefore, a couple of thousand years before the current generation has thought or done anything. (b) I, God, permit this chap to be killed instead of killing the current generation myself. (c) This gratuitous murder wipes away all the current generation's sins two thousand years before the current generation has had the time or the opportunity to commit any sins. (d) The gratuitous murder buys a lifetime ticket to heaven for the current generation, providing that each individual in the current generation goes through the motions of parroting the appropriate religious mantras.

(4) If you are not a priest, that is quite alright, but I want you to switch off your brain completely, become intellectually docile and do not question any theory of substitutionary atonement which embodies the above signifiers.

(5) As your Creator, I have given you a decent, lively set of genitals, well-lubricated with sex hormones, but I do not want you to use them if you are a priest.

(6) If you are a priest, I want you to be sexually satisfied by listening to the confessions of the laity and by telling them how not to use their own well-lubricated genitals, or the well-lubricated genitals of third parties, such as women. To equip you to do this important work, you may view closed-access pornography websites of the kind that your spiritual director will indicate to you.

(7) If you are a priest and you experience strong sexual yearnings yourself, do not hesitate to take your pleasure, in a coercive and non-consensual way, with any minors that come to hand, but make sure that your activities in this domain are kept absolutely secret. Protect, also, the secrets of other priests, particularly if you become a bishop.

(8) If you are a priest, encourage the less well-educated members of your flock, and people of inferior ethnicity, not to use condoms. This will help to overpopulate the planet beyond its carrying capacity, will increase poverty in the Third World, and will assist the rapid spread of AIDS.

(9) My Holy Spirit helped your forebears to invent fire. This was so that you could burn to death all those who, in non-churchy ways, use the brains or the genitals I gave them.

(10) My Holy Spirit has arranged for unimaginable wealth to come your way. Do not use this wealth to feed the poor or to support widows and orphans. Use this wealth to build vast, unnecessary, limestone warehouses and to fill those warehouses with superfluous gold, silver, gems, painted glass, broderie, statuary, artworks, mosaics, lavish carving in wood and marble, extravagant vestments, gilded ornamentation, richly-bound books, and ostentatious monuments to the dead.

My name is God, and these are my instructions. Have a nice day, credulous drones.