Jesus Becomes a Convicted Terrorist Under the Patriot Act

Judea - A local cult is under suspicion of kidnapping when it was found that a runaway child, Jesus Nazarene, was in fact in their "temple" surrounded by a crowd of older men. While they insist that they were doing nothing wrong, nor holding the 12 year old boy against his will, local agencies are suspicious. "They said the kid was 'teaching' them", said a State Trooper spokesperson, "But what these middle aged men were learning from this boy is more then I care to dwell on."

This is the second time young Jesus has been the focus of such attention. He had previously been taken from his parents in the Christmas Eve Debacle in which several agencies were involved investigating his parents, their friends, and a local Hotel owner for suspicion of a variety of local, state, and federal charges. He was ultimately reunited with his mother when she was released from a local hospital after completing a drug therapy program and intense co-dependency treatment. His father, Joseph Nazarene, even though the mother denies he's the father, received a one year State prison sentence for statutory rape and has since divorced Mary after returning to his hometown where he is a member of the local Carpenter's Union.

Judea - Jesus Nazarene is in the news again after a 19 year hiatus. Jesus, now 31, has come under investigation from a variety of Federal, State and Municipal Agencies for his recent outbreak of bizarre activities. He has been under investigation from the Alcoholic Beverage Commission (ABC) for the illegal distilling of spirits, which he then distributed at a wedding party with no liquor license. He is under fire from various State regulatory agencies and the American Medical Association (AMA) for practicing medicine without a license.

A local law enforcement agency is also investigating reports of Jesus creating a new cult, one in which people are encouraged to abandon their wives, husbands, parents, and even their children. "You must hate your parents if you follow me", Jesus is reported to have said. He has also been looked at as the source of labor unrest in the area, allegedly telling several fisherman to conduct a 'wildcat strike' and join his cult instead.

Tax and Business agencies are also looking into how a man with no visible means of support or any employment has paid for the catering costs of up to 5,000 people, feeding them all, at no charge - and with no license to do so, nor any permit for doing so outside of a health department inspected premise.

"What can I say?", said the Governor's spokesperson. "Look at his home environment, his upbringing, and the run-in's with the codes he's been involved in before this latest incident. He's a ticking time bomb, and it's amazing we haven't heard more from him till now." He referred to several bizarre incidents in Jesus's childhood involving drug smuggling, statutory rape, abduction by a cult, and regulatory offenses that surrounded Jesus, his parents, their friends, a local businessman, and a local cult.

Judea - Revolutionary terrorist, Jesus Nazarene, has been taken into custody by Homeland Security Agents after a tense and armed stand off with his cult followers. Peter Rock, a close aide of this terrorist, was also arrested for cutting off an ear of a Homeland Security Agent with an illegal sword more than 2 inches long. Many law enforcement personnel were hurt, all mysteriously having damaged ribs from a weapon of unknown design, possibly an unauthorized ultrasonic or electro-magnetic (EM) device.

The tip to Jesus's whereabouts came from local man, Judas Iscariot, who was given the $300 reward for calling the local County Crime Stoppers hotline.

Jesus Nazarene had entered the city early Thursday - causing widespread riots and unrest - as thousands of anarchic protesters littered the streets with palm leaves to show support. Notwithstanding his appeal to various disaffected elements in society, he and his gang quickly hid themselves in an upper room of a local hotel for a "Last Supper" - clearly expecting a confrontation to come.

An interviewed maid told of horrific tales regarding this group of terrorists and their engagement in bizarre rituals, such as washing each others feet then pretending that they were drinking blood and eating raw human flesh.

Later, they went to an isolated area outside of town where Jesus posted guards - who fortunately fell asleep several times - allowing law enforcement agencies to get their men in place.

Jesus, who has been reluctant to be photographed, was identified when Mr. Iscariot bravely volunteered to walk right up to him and "kiss him" - a bizarre ritual that would draw little suspicion from the rest of the all male cult.

It was then that violence erupted as Peter Rock pulled a sword and cut off the ear of Homeland Security Agent Antonius, who is currently recovering in a local hospital for injuries less severe than first thought. At the apparent signal of Jesus's hand, some unknown device then stunned all the other law enforcement agents.

Judea - Tried and convicted, terrorist and cult revolutionary, Jesus Nazarene, will be executed today as his last appeals have been exhausted.

It had been speculated that his very open and public trial might result in an acquittal, yet when polled, the jury unanimously desired his execution. This quick decision was in stark contrast to the almost simultaneous acquittal of a local activist known as Barabas.

The magistrate most directly involved, Senator Pilate, apparently had given Jesus every chance to explain his actions so that he might be given leniency. An aide to the Senator, speaking on the condition of anonymity, reports that Jesus attempted an insanity plea by claiming to be a god, and also proclaimed to be in contempt of court after repeatedly throwing the Senator's words back at him, saying many times, "You have said so."

In spite of what might be construed as either an insanity defense or a plea of "Nolo Contendere", Jesus Nazarene was ultimately convicted under the Patriot Act and Federal Homeland Security Codes for obstruction of justice, fomenting rebellion, creating labor unrest, inciting to riot, vandalism of a temple, recruitment of an unauthorized militia, conspiracy to treason, assault on federal agents, and the commission of innumerable regulatory offenses from the illegal serving of alcohol, operating a catering business without a license, practicing medicine without a license, and failure to file Federal and State tax returns.

Judea - At midnight last night, convicted terrorist Jesus Nazarene was executed by the electric chair. His last words, "It is finished", brought to an end an incredible tale of deception, violence, and cult practices that stretched all the way back to his birth.

While some followers of this cult leader are still in custody in the U.S. Guantanamo Bay holding facility pending further questioning, most are still at large, including Peter Rock who may have been in the area at the time but was unable to be identified in time - in spite of repeated inquiries. They have dispersed, it is suspected, to take up their seditious activities again.

At the request of many, who fear new outbreaks from the executed terrorist's cult, the Homeland Security Department has assigned a Special Agent to oversee the complete dispersal of all these terrorist cells. Special Agent in Charge, Paul Tarsus, will head the newly formed special task force.

"I will see to it that America sleeps safe. I don't care where they go or where they hide. I will see to it that no more trouble comes from them even if I have to walk to Damascus myself", said Agent Tarsus, refering to the town where it is suspected that many of these cult terrorists still reside and where they are making plans for further terrorist activities.

Got some christmas buds I see?

Amazing. You read all 5 parts in less than 5 minutes. It's a miracle!