The only time I feel happy is when

I do drugs. The only drug I do regularly is MJ. Usually it will make me reflect upon decisions and it makes me "happy", well maybe not happy but "normal" I guess. I have tried almost every main drug, with the exception of PCP, Meth or anything like that. Any time I do hard drugs (maybe once a month), heroin or cocaine. I always feel guilty and dirty after I do them. Probably because that money could of been spent elsewhere.


I do not know what "love" feels like. I have an idea though if its similar to x. The only emotions I feel on a regular basis;
despair
hopelessness
sad
depressed
all that emo shit
It's interesting, people don't think I feel emotions because I do not physically express them. I feel like just giving up, I mean ugh whats the point. I want a purpose, I feel like a robot. Why not get a hobby? I have one, it occupies a vast majority of my free time. Not suicidal or anything like that, imo suicide is the ultimate form of selfishness. I am not selfish.




For three years I have been alone talking to virtually no one outside of work and even at work, I do not talk much. Three years, 1095 days, all that time spent inside my own mind. Now I do or at least use to have friends. I use to live with my best friend. I moved out because he was going down the wrong path, if there is such a thing. He became addicted to oxycotin, hey I am no saint I did them to. But I always knew my limits and I always waited at least a few weeks between pills. Well if you know anything about drugs, they stopped making oxycotin, which you could snort easily, and replaced it with OP, a greenish pill that gels up and is very hard to grind. Not much use for snorting...but oh wait you can shoot them up! So he for some reason started shooting up. I tried my best to keep him from doing that shit but if you know an addict well its not easy... A year or so after shooting up for two years and not talking to me for atleast 1 year he decided to switch from shooting up OP to snorting Opana. Well guess what happened, they stopped making Opana. Now he shoots up heroin. I think he is in pretty deep. I have not talked to him for a month, he will not answer but will text me back. He is a different person now.

Which brings me to..a month ago. I contacted an old friend I had not seen in years and we started hanging out again. That was fun. After hanging out with her I feel different, perhaps maybe alive? I don't know how to describe it but it feels like I just woke up. She is awesome to hangout with and literally the only person I can confide in, we have lots of similarities and its awesome being around her. I really enjoy talking to her..that's all I want to do.

But lifes a bitch. Especially since my heroin addict friend still has a thing for this girl and even though I do not have any "ill" intentions towards her, he still prevents me from hanging out with her. Its so frustrating, because as much as I would like to tell her about my buddys heroin addiction, well I can't I am not that much of a dick and he confided in me so as much as I really want to I can't. It feels like I was brought back to life only to die a slow and painful death (metaphor).

Why not find a girl friend? That's kind of hard when you work the night shift in a small state. It's even harder when you factor in my requirements, which sound simple but believe me from what I have observed real women are few and far between. Requirements; be yourself, do not pretend to be someone you are not. Be kind and open minded. Obviously there would have to be physical attraction. Oh right I am 20 years old and I have been on my own since 16. I have thought about college, coming up with money would not really be an issue but I just do not see the point. I've had girl friends before but they always cheated on me, probably because of how I use to look. In recent years I have lost a drastic amount of weight and also built some muscles and shit. If you saw a picture of me a year ago and looked at me today you would think your looking at two different people.

I guess the main reason I am posting this is because I can't really talk to anyone else about it. My parents are divorced, and whilst I do talk to my dad (maybe once a month) its never anything deep and he always assumes he knows best. I actually just realized I kind of have beef with him. I do not feel like his son, I don't really know the man. It sucks. He remarried and started a new family. Talk about feeling betrayed. My grand father is the closest thing I have to a dad, and he is dying. My grand mother has Alzheimer.




The reason I am posting this here is because I can't talk to anyone I know about it.

I don't really care if anyone reads this or not. I do not want pity or any emotion like that. I think at least having written down some of my problems that maybe it will somehow help me. That's what a lot of people say so I just gave it a shot.