humbly asking for advice

let him go to his dad, you dont seem to fully understand unconditional love IMO

(based on your opening comment)

Sounds to me like you over did it and spoiled him.

Advice? tough love. Lay the fucking law down on his punk ass and straighten him out.

Give him a choice - his fathers or a group home. If he chooses one, help him plan the move. Make the calls etc etc.

Eventually he will wake up and come running back all teary-eyed and shit.

No, you should not send him to his Dad's place. That doesn't help your relationship with your son.

It sounds like your son is going through puberty. So, he is not devilish, just biochemically insane.

Set strict, but fair, boundaries and keep on loving him as you did in the past. He probably won't understand the "fair" part yet, but later in life he will.

It is going to be a rough ride for both of you and will last about 8 years. Just know that if you are a good mom, give him a little "space" now and then, and don't overreact when things get a bit crazy, he will eventually simmer down from the rapid boil of puberty and appreciate your parenting efforts.

Also, for your own sanity, I suggest a nice and calming hobby or daily activity to do just to keep yourself mentally and physically in good form.

Best of wishes to you.


Last Edited by Rabid Wolf on 07/20/2012 08:11 AM

How about pretending you DON'T have another option and act like a parent who is going to fulfill her responsibilities no matter what the circumstances? He's 13. What 13-year-old doesn't rebel and "hate" their parents even for a short time? I "hated" my parents plenty of times over about 3 or 4 years when I was a teen, and then I matured and became their friend. As an adult. I just can't believe when I clicked on this that you want to get rid of him. He's not a pet. There could be many reasons you are not aware of or he is not sharing with you for why he suddenly "hates" you. If he was your best bud last week, I can't believe a new house is the sole reason he hates you all of the sudden. And I put hate in quotes because I doubt it is real hate. I don't think he should even been told he has other options. He'll just start playing you and Dad against each other or manipulating you. IT's what teens do. Tell him you are his mother and caretaker, end of story. Try reading "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen." I'm not big on parenting books, but this might help you a little in your approach to find out the core of his problems. Good luck.

Tell him that she is sorry? That empowers his bad-ass behavior. DON'T APLOGIZE. You will regret that. You are the parent, not a friend. Act accordingly!

cant help but feel sorry for the kid

Awh, the struggles of a mother. Trust me, if you instilled valuable morals in your kid then your kid will thank you when he grows up a bit more.

If what you say is true then maybe he is emulating his friends, ever thought about that? Or ever think about hormones?

You have to know in your heart your son loves you, this world however, does things to the mind to the point that visions blur and priorities get mixed up. So words might come out that are not sourced in reality, but rather - the blurred version of it. Don't get taken down by angry words, be the strong mom.

Also, 13 is almost 65 so you might as well be truthful to him. ;)

REALLY feel sorry for your kid

newsflash sugartits. YOU ARE A PARENT

pathetic

And therein may lie your problem. You cannot be best friends with your children. You are there to parent and not to befriend. I will get some rude comments from people insisting that that is not true. But being your child's friend only rarely works. You are there to teach, discipline, instill values. He is going through a transition right now, and he needs a parent, not another friend. You need to not take it personally and step down from the rank of friend - or up really to the higher purpose of being a mother.
It is not easy, but you must know that every teen is destined to be a trial on his or her parents.
Be patient, be firm. Give it more time.
If the change was overnightor progressed too rapidly, maybe consider taking him to a dr. Just to rule out any medical issues that may be going on. Make sure he isnt clinically depressed or has any other severe emotional issues.
It could be anything. My fiance, when he turned 13 stopped talking to just about everyone. His parents were pulling out their hair trying to get him to talk. He just couldnt . Looking back now, he had bad social anxiety and shyness that peaked at that age, and is only now easing up. We think he had a mild form of turette's that his family doc missed. So you neverknow what goes on in a teen boy's mind.
Hang in there. Be his mom, not his friend. That is what he needs now.

MOM is a boys "first love".......it's perfectly natural for him to feel threatened by other men....especially if you add the loss of a father in a divorce situation.

and yes, if you love your son you do have to put your own self interests somewhat to the side...at least for now.

Teenagers have always been a confused lot....and kids learn what love is supposed to feel like from their parents.

Some of the "hate" you see is just typical teenager stuff as some have eluded to....other parts of it may be deep feelings regarding the separation from dad and his just thinking it suck his parents aren't together....you never know who he may be blaming for that having happened.

Patience is the order of the day...not ignoring the problem...but patience with it....and with YOURSELF

vap some cannabis with him, talk and laugh together. Tell him if he's a good boy he can have more later...

Sigh. I just spent ages typing out a thoughtful and insightful reply to the op, then I read this.
OP - forget my previous advice. Why? Because you are self-absorbed and selfish.
"I am a very hot lady"??? WTF? I am getting a glimmer of where your son's issues are stemming from. You are one of those kinds of mom's. Sounds like all the time you thought you were your son's best friend you were really just tramping around looking hot and getting laid. Of course he was your best friend when he was too young to know what was going on. Now he is wise to your ways. He hates your bf's because they are shallow men chasing afgter you for sex and he hates them for that.
I am sorry you cant see past yourself to help your son. I know being a single mom can be hard. I did it for years. But i put my children first, and yes I did have to ignore my own personal needs. I did not go out man-hunting. I was home every single solitary freaking night tucking my girls in. I never went out. My reward, was finally meeting a sweet and caring man when I went back to college. And because he is so sweet and loving my hcildren love him just as much as i do, and our wedding is in two weeks.
You may not agree, but when you sacrifice your own selfish needs and lusts for your children you are doing the right thing. Now your son sees you for the shallow "hottie" you are and is not happy with that. Stop trying to change him and looking for how to fix him. Look at yourself. Dress like a mom and act like a mom. Otherwise quit bitching that your son is not what you wan thim to be

Excellent advice. Do NOT send him to the father who would be a very bad influence.

ALL teens go through this. It is a developmental milestone, like the Terrible Twos. Maybe your rough recent past has brought it on early, but they all have to do internal work to break away from the parent, and you need to know that it's normal. At the very least, it happens during the senior year as they prepare to go away to college. If he doesn't do this, he winds up in your basement at 40, eating takeout and playing video games and not finding his own life.

Wishing you well, OP. If he is gifted, it will be worse, because he knows what kind of world it is....

:dunno:

Just remember, you are the MOM and not the friend. Different job description entirely. And it is usually a thankless job. ;->
Best wishes.

WOW you guys are great! thank you so much. every response is giving me strength and i am grateful.

i don't date hardly ever...one person in the last year, i am very very picky. i've been talking on the phone with that person recently, but not someone i could see as a long term stable role model for my son, so, not taking it 'seriously.'

his dad is an absolute good for nothing POS. as in, drinkin' druggin' crazy town, and i have had no contact for 12 years. he hit me 2 weeks after my sons' birth and i walked.

i took my son away from his friends last year and now have worked it out so he is back not only with his friends but in a gorgeous house right by his old school, so he can spend 8th grade with his buddies. i may not be perfect but i have tried very very hard to give him the best education and skills for life. he is *extremely* smart. we're low income but i have gone through HELL to make sure he is in the best schools, always.

i guess i feel frustrated because he doesn't understand what it has taken out of me and from me to raise a child with as much aloha and focus on education as i have, i know he *may* understand *someday* but i feel like he blames me for things i cannot control. like being low income, struggling, wanting to have my heart connections out there somewhere somehow someday....

i've definitely heard the words of advice about teens, friends, being a parent....so that really helps, i'm doing this alone and have no compass ya know? it helps SO MUCH to hear from other parents. thank you!

he is incredibly gifted. he does know what kind of a world it is....hell his mom is a GLP'er...i try to keep it to a dull roar but, believe you me, the animal/bird deaths have been brought up exponentially. thank you for your wisdom.

Bolding mine. No, he's not. He's 13, and probably hates being treated like a child. By 13, a human should have enough critical thinking skills to know what's really going on. Sit down and explain what you think, how you feel. It will be the miracle you seek.

Hang in there and do not allow disrespect of any form from your teenager, it will only breed worse behavior and more disrespect.

Just tell him that his whores are moaning and he better get control of them before you are forced to do it for him.

All teenagers have a tendency to walk 10 paces in front or behind their parents.

With boundaries and guidance you will meet him on the other side of his teenage hormonal insanity mentally in on piece.

Just do not lose your temper, when you do they win and you lose.

You seem evil as hell! You just explained that you aquired a home that is beautiful and situated perfectly for your son (i.e. school and friends), and because your son is at puberty level where all kids think their parents are out of touch you want to strip him of the home, friends and school. Nice parenting I hope this your last child.

i guess that is an adjustment we are both making, you know?

trying to understand. he tells me he doesn't want to be with his dad, he wants to be with the person he loves, and that is me. we do have an incredibly strong connection. but these times when i feel like i can't communicate are so hard, we've always had great communication.

i think though, thanks to everyone's advice and insights, i can approach this from a better place. i've been talking to him every so often about the teens and the changes and hormones, ok i don't talk about it a lot because we talk and clear it and leave it, but his voice is starting to change and maybe we need to talk again about being aware of hormonal changes and subsequent emotional issues.

let me be very clear: he is NOT 'typical.' he is extremely smart and very wise for his age. so thankfully, we can work on this together. right? i hope? i'm pretty sure. :)

you clearly don't have kids, i have the one child and i am a single parent so i kinda play by ear a lot of the time. teens are an entirely new animal to me. i'm asking for advice because of that.

thanks for being so nasty and cruel. i wonder where your mother went wrong.

When you split from his father he became the issue, a finacualy burden and a means to punish a man.

The money went to a system that will use it to create more money.

What has he been taught at this point.

i would like very much to hear your insightful response. FYI, i am a good looking woman, that does not mean i am egotistical or a slut, actually very far from that, because i have values and i have a child. i understand that online you can project all kinds of things into what people type there, so let me clarify: i do NOT live 'loose.' i have been with one person in two years. i have gone for 5+ years on and off just holding back. i have a kid for the love of pete, hello! but more than that, i have values. right?

i think the issue is that i am afraid of getting involved with anyone because i am a parent and that is tantamount to anything else...so i hold off but i DO want connection, you know? and he's at 13 so i wonder....where is his head around his own burgeoning sexuality (god help us) and how do i understand that and work with it? how does that apply to me and do i even UNDERSTAND wtf goes on with a 13 year old boy?

for further clarification...i'm not saying i am a hottie because i have ego invested, i say it because i get hit on a lot and men fall in love with me, and i have to leave it or not even visit it because i am a PARENT and have much bigger concerns than my own gratification. besides, i am attracted to intellect and that's pretty rare. :P ya know?

Last Edited by Anne O'Mally on 07/20/2012 12:05 PM

no not punishing...not sure what a 'finacualy' is but pretty sure this is not the case. thank you though!

PArt of every parent wants a little more freedom, but that is way less important that whats right and good for your child.

He "hates" you because he is 13 and that shit happens. He'll be a pain in the ass for 3 years, and then he'll take on a more protective roll. This is how it goes.

Your job is to stick it out, be the best mother and teach him right from wrong. Living in a good area can help with this progression.

Make the right choice, not the selfish one...you'd end up regretting that.

Moving is always unsettling. Things aren't where they are supposed to be, everything has to find a new place, we are irritable and tired. Always makes for easy disagreements and hard feelings. Give yourselves time to get settled. Sooth his nerves, help him get his rhythm back and allow yourself to realize it and be the parent and lead the way.
Another thing to think about is that new kids on the block are easily attracted to and an atttraction for kids who deal and wheel in mischief and drugs. The new kid is looking for new friends and is an easy target. Once you realize this you can steer him into some more wholesome activities, groups, etc. Either through church, local scouts, ask arround about sports activites, school clubs, groups, etc that can be a good resource for setting in motion some wholesome friendships. I am serious about looking into new influences that can be destructive, even in "nice" neighborhoods. By taking the time to help direct your son into good relationships, he will see that you have his best interest at heart.
My Mother-in-law once told me, "If you make a war out of it, you will lose" and it is the best advice I could pass along. You are his Mother, give him guidance, but realize you have planted the roots of his morals and ideals, you can only suggest and provide opportunity. (give him alot) but he must choose what he will do. Always try to be positive, hold your tongue when you are angry until you know all the facts, and be patient. Never scold him in public, stand by him,(talk about it and when you have to give him hell, do it in private). He will love you for it. Have a great day.

90% of parenting is sacrifice. I coach both my daughters baseball teams, their basketball teams, and a soccer team. Takes up a lot of time. Time I could be speanding with my wife, fishing, hunting, golfing, running my dogs...
But, I'm a responsible parent and want the best for them. Time with family, excercise, socializing, learning etc...

It is the case,

he knows that you would do anything for him,

thats to much presure.

He most likely knows his dad has to pay and who taught him his dad sucks ?

This is part of a broken system.

There is no right answer in that it can all go to shit with a quickness no matter what you do. At 13 he can effectively decide he wants to go party 24/7 with his dad and so it will be. Just try your hardest, and know you tried regardless how it turns out. That's all you can do.

Last Edited by SPUD on 07/20/2012 12:13 PM