OP,

I'm not attempting to be nasty when I say this:

You've been deceived.
You are a victim of deception.

I know you've heard it before.
And that you've dismissed it.

But it is true.

I hope you make your way out of the muck that has pulled you down.

One method is to refuse to accept anything as it is presented.
Question and test all things.

And I mean all.

Keep asking questions. Track everything to its source.

Don't settle for pat answers that appear logical to your present state of mind.

This can be done.

And for you it must be done.

If you question everything with ultimate and ruthless diligence, including things you don't presently, "believe in," as well as those you presently do, you will arrive at a Conclusion.

Hopefully, for your sake, you are up to the task.