I've already read all those.

got any choose your adventure esoteric porn?

"Leon was polishing his broom stick when he thought he heard someone crying in his attic. After admiring his crescent moon birthmark on his mead-sticky buttcheeks, he donned his glittery unicorn robe to go investigate. Reaching the bottom of the stairs he realized his wizard's staff was poking through his magic abracadabra pajama bottoms.
"You must be Mushroom Medicine Man" said a voice gruff and harry like a sasquatch fart.

"I am Leon the Penetrator wizard of the sacred quirky turkey, why are you in my house?"

"I work for FedSex trying to deliver my package in that awful weather I guess I got lost."

"well leave your package with me, I know mushy, he works at Fap Emporium."

(to see the intruder's package turn to page 83, to shoot and then rape intruder turn to page 19, to fap turn to page 71.)