Well, here lovey, my post will make your statement look relatively sane...harhar--


In the last month or so I've actually felt-heard beckoning - brief and distant words, yet oddly not so distant - words of encouragement.

One time I heard how I was very loved and could do this, another time was that I was very loved and was needed, and another time it seemed more urgent with the words being, "come on, (my name) come on, come on, come on"...and it felt like I had better move right then. I sat there nearly in tears because I didn't know what to do.

These incidences have rolled me over numerous emotions. I have felt like a f'n failure because I'm unable to do what I've an abundance of experience doing: leaving my body.

The being told I'm loved, like that, only makes me long for those loving me with a depth of love I've rarely known.

And then last Saturday I "heard" a door closing, and it was not one of the doors in the house, but a door closing from the same "space"/dimension the beckonings were coming from.

I already knew that things were tenuous, but I had such a deflating concern that the door closing was a sign that I missed my opening and chance to...bug out, one last time. Hearing that door closing felt so final (although in my heart of hearts I know this wasn't a last chance to transition).

Frankly, these experiences have led me to feel like I'm something along the lines of a coma patient who is on the brink of coming out of it. I can sense there are people - loved ones - in the room encouraging me to wake up. I sense them and hear them, but I can't open my eyes.

I so want to "come on"...ffs, I've lived and trained to "come on" for two decades now...

Even given all my training, abundant experiences, and diligent mind set, and all that I have actually "let go" of...I still can't manage to "wake the hell up" when the opportunity arises.

And while I'm not normally easily taken with fear (at all), I have to admit that I have felt moments of fear and disappointment in myself because I was not able to "come on" when there was so much support to do so.

...I don't know what more I can do to get this right.


So as not to leave this on a big, fat bummer note--


As always, love-love...