Sometimes I want to just run away. My life feels like an old worn out pair of shoes that fit too tight and are coming apart at the soles, uncomfortable and embarassing. Like I’ve already missed the boat yet I keep lying and trying to fool myself into believing that better days are still around the corner and that I haven’t missed my opportunity for good things to come back around.

For those who get the analogy, it feels like when you’re playing those old school RPG’S and you get stuck on one of the dungeon levels because you fucked up one of the puzzles that was supposed to reveal one of those treasure chests that had that last room key you needed for that locked door so now there’s no way you can move forward so now all you can do is restart at a previous saving point. But in life there are no restarts, there are no saving points, just the same mistakes staring you in the face with no way of moving forward so you just settle in and try your best to get comfortable in the grave you’ve already dug for yourself.

All you can do is wait out the days, try to get by as best you can and hope that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be the day you can finally move on and go back home.

Emptiness, non attachment, emotional stoicism, freedom from desire – these are your only saving graces in a world of so many blessings that you can taste but never savor, of so many miracles you can hope for but never obtain, of so many visions of brighter tomorrows, bluer skies and greener pastures that will always be on the other side but which you simply cannot ever cross over to.

Yet even these things, these Buddhist and Eastern paths of cessation of Suffering remain elusive because I love too much and too foolishly, I hope too fervently, I crave too insatiably, I dream too dangerously, I hunger too overwhelmingly that my desires and all that i long for become bricks upon bricks, shackles upon shackles, till I’m bound and incarcerated in a prison I fashion myself out of my own hopes and ambitions.

If I could never love at all, if I could simply stop dreaming, cease from craving, give up and let go of pursuing this phantom happiness, I might know true and lasting peace, joy and ultimate fulfillment. Until then I’m restrained by my own desparate yearnings