There are things I did not say. I sent a message to one on here about them. The basis is this.

Went to Church. William wants to return with me. Chelsea does not. She even said at church in front of the pastor that she does not believe in God. The pastor was a guest speaker this weekend. It was Craig T Nelson. I was so embarrassed.

Now with all the issues this weekend with exchange and lawyers and everything I sent an email covering it all to my attorney. The paralegal called me back. So now apparently after reading the text messages and other info it seems like she is looking at reconciling. She asked me my position on this.

My position on it is as follows. I love my wife to death. I love my kids to death. I just can not go through the "hell" of what she has already put me through, and continues to put me through. The financial issues, the leaving when I have been sick or in this case having a heart attack and treatments again for cancer. I said that it is not easy. 23 years of marriage and 30 years of being together is tough. DO I want to have us fixed. I sure as crap do, but with her stating in the past that she wants to do it and then doing the same things again and again...money issues..leaving...accusations of abuse against her and the kids...etc. I can not deal with that any longer.

Dont get me wrong. I love her to death. I have always loved her. I was a dick when I was younger and left her when we were dating, thinking someone else was better for me. After 4 days apart we got back together. We worked out the issues. I was dumb and was thinking with the wrong head. I never even slept with the other female.

It is just that I can not deal with the emotional turmoil that I get from her. What happens in 3 years again? What happens if I am sick again? Will she do it again? I dont know. History shows it would happen.

I am trying..I really am trying to fully trust in God and what he is trying to do. With now hearing that she is possibly looking to reconcile...is that Gods work? If I am trusting in Gods word and his actions then I am to believe that reconciliation is what he is trying to bring forth in this chaos. I just have a hard time with that. I have a hard time trying to do this and reconcile knowing where we have been over the last 9 years of our marriage.

Is she turning more towards God and his word? I dont know. I have to pray over this. I have to hear what he has to say over this. DO I want it? As I said, yes I do, but a side of me is doubting that she will do all and it will be the same thing again.

I am just so confused this morning.