If you consider yourself a Christian, please read this thread. I need some serious guidance.

***I'm dealing with way too much crap right now so if you plan on just being an obnoxious troll or trash talker then know that this thread WILL BE MODERATED and your comment removed.***

Below are some excerpts from a blog post I wrote entitled, "On Being a Christian Who Is Too Far Gone For Salvation". The full article is a little TL;DR but for those who genuinely wish to help or offer some prayers or encouragement it can be found here: [link to daysdescending.wordpress.com (secure)]

"I was raised a Christian and all throughout my life that faith has played an important role. I recall simpler times; attending Sunday School, memorizing and reciting Psalm 23, being nervous about being immersed in the baptismal font, how proud I was when my Dad bought me my first Bible, singing along to praise and worship songs with my mom in the car as we’d drive around doing errands and such..."

"...I always wanted to believe. I wanted to go down to the altar and pour out all my fear and sorrow and pain to the foot of the Cross and have Jesus reach down and put his hand on my shoulder and fill me with some glorious Holy Spirit that would bring me that peace which passes all understanding. Sadly, He never did. So I spent the majority of my adolescent years trying to figure out what could’ve possibly separated me from His love and His mercy. Where was He when I needed Him the most? I always heard that verse from Romans 10:13 that says, “Everyone who calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved”, but where was my salvation? Why was I still dead inside?..."

"...I cannot go full fledged Atheist because there have been too many instances in my life where God has made Himself completely undeniable to me. But if there is a God, I am almost convinced that He wants nothing to do with me. I feel like a truly lost soul. Tonight, I prayed, while crying in the car, that if God forgives me for my many sins and if I’m truly not beyond salvation or beyond repair; then please let Him make Himself known to me. I just want to be a good son for my mom as she fights colon cancer; a good big brother for my brother Conor who is coping with his fathers loss of visitation rights; I want to be a good friend to all of the many people who have stood by my side through so much despite the fact I rarely make time for them to return the favor; I want to be a good neighbor to the strangers that cross my path instead of being selfish and self-absorbed.

I don’t know if it’s too late for me but I hope that maybe there might be some of you who know this same struggle and perhaps you have found the answers I’m still grasping in the dark trying to find. It seems funny that when the whole world is growing more and more hateful towards Christians that I’d be down at the end of my rope trying to find just a mustard seed sized portion of faith to help me make it through this life. It’s do or die time. Maybe death would be better? Not physically, but dying to everything I thought I knew."