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Message Subject Kung Fu
Poster Handle BunBun
Post Content
I don't want to go to hell or hades or the Lake of Fire. I never did want to go there. They tell me that Lord Jesus died for my sins so that I wouldn't have to go there. Lord Jesus came to me when I was 5 and asked me if I wanted to ask Him into my heart and I did. I told Him that my mother and grandmother would probably say that I was too young and He asked me to ask them anyway, so I did.

I accepted Lord Jesus as my savior that day and I was baptized, but I kicked Kent in the head when I was laid back in the water.



I don't want to go to hell, so I will do what they tell me for a little while. I will say that I forgive the men who did me harm-the ones who are still going to do me harm in the future. But, I don't trust them anymore. I will not trust them and no one-not even God-can make me trust these men.

I am telling you. We are going to bury Jerry. I am going to have him cremated and all the things in his house are going into a dumpster. The paintings are NOT going to hang in my house. I will not allow that. Eventually, I am going to bury Derek and Sam and Mike. I am going to put each one of them down into the gound. I am going at some point in there too. I want to be buried, I don't want to be cremated.

I wanted to be buried near my parents, but that cemetary is filled up. I will have to be buried out here, but that is not where I want to be. The rest of my family is at the other cemetary. It's too bad. I'm not happy about it at all.

A little while later, I will remember in my Soul what was done. It all comes up again. I am enraged all over again. Over and over and over again. I cycle, I know what I know.

I hurt really badly. There is no help for it.

But, I think that God gets mad at me and I think that's unfair. He left me down here and He knew that I was in harm's way. He saw what Derek was doing to me and He saw he intent of Derek's heart and He still tried to talk me out of it. Because I had sinned too.

You can't tell someone that they have to eat disrespect because they have sinned. You can't tell someone that they have to eat pain and grief for years at a stretch and expect that they are going to be okay with it. They won't be.

Whenever a woman takes to her bed screaming and yelling in pain, you can just count on it not ending well. It won't end well. That's a solid gold fact. There is no other way that it can go.

It's ridiculous to think anything else.

When a little girl has been so abused that she has created imaginary adult men to live with her, something has gone seriously wrong. When she eschews other girls and remains alone, something is seriously wrong. When she tells you something is wrong, something is seriously wrong. It isn't going to go away.

I have been carrying this for 39 years. It's not going to go away and it's not going to resolve. I will not listen to the therapists. They have no answers. They just try to convince me to go along and get along.

I am through. I have had enough. I'm not playing any longer.
 
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