I liked this one:

Tragedy strikes one of glp’s own


Breaking: Comedian found unresponsive at family owned gloryhole.

It probably comes as no surprise to most, but earlier tonight officials confirmed that glp's own comedian was found unresponsive by paramedics after his uncle reportedly called 911 thinking his nephew and best bottom bitch had overdosed after huffing on a glue soaked rag during a routine scheduled douche break.

First responders noticed his pale grey complexion and suspected he may be choking on something, immediately reaching in to his mouth and retrieving a used condom that was restricting his airway.

The 4'9" 350lb man was rushed to the local emergency room in his home town of Dallas Texas, where ER doctors who pumped his stomach were surprised when a further seven condoms and approximately a quart of semen were discovered.

Doctors also managed to aspirate a further quart of semen from his lungs, saying "the transsexual man was also suffering from pneumonia due to the large amount of fluid in his airway."


Update:

I've managed to speak with the uncle who said that,

"He usually just huffs on his favorite silver paint during morning douche break. I thought he must’ve had another pubic hair ball, not that he was choking on a rubber. He usually has no trouble swallowing ‘em but the huffing glue must've made his throat sticky."

“I encourage him to take regular breaks to douche the cum from his anus because when it gets busy he often puts his asshole up to the gloryhole on one side of the cubicle and bends forward so he can suck dicks through the hole on the other side of the cubicle, and he's even been known to leave the stall door open so he can jerk off a third customer while still leaving his other hand free to post on glp with his phone.”

“He likes to use the cum from the first douching as a non dairy creamer substitute, and any cum collected from further douchings is taken home to use as a glue for his paper mâché pussy hats that he sells on etsy.”

The uncle further explained, "I always remind him to remove his false teeth because that's what makes him so popular with the johns."

The mans uncle finished by saying, “he could suck a golf ball through ten feet of garden hose that boy."

The hospital later confirmed that he had indeed removed his dentures, and that they were located in his rectum along with a pouch of chewing tobacco and about four dollars in change.


Update:

Police were called and Comedian had to be strapped to the gurney after nurses discovered him roaming the ward where he was found to be stealing the morphine suppositories from elderly patients rectums.

The officer interviewed said he kept shouting, "don't you know who I am?
I'm Trumps Personal Penis Butler!"

The officer said he kept showing them his dentures with orange pubes stuck between the teeth as proof that he really was the presidents personal penis butler, however there was so much excrement on the dentures that it was difficult to tell if the pubic hairs were indeed orange, as the perpetrator had claimed.


Update:

I just want to take a moment to reassure all of the concerned user that doctors report comedians condition as serious but stable, and thanks to his meth use he's expected to make a speedy recovery.