My GLP story and why this place has a piece of my heart. Warning: lengthy and personal post ahead

I signed up for an account here on New Year's Day, 2 years ago, and wanted to share my appreciations and insights on what 2 years has been like.

When I first discovered this forum, I was the unhappiest that I had ever been in my life. It makes sense that I would have gravitated to this forum, as it is one of the rare places where it is completely socially acceptable to express anger, distrust, frustration, loneliness, fantastical metaphor, and a longing for doom. I felt all of those things, and it was a step up in my life to find a place where I could express those things freely. Real life is not so receptive to the expression of deep negative emotion, so finding a place that was, was like therapy for me.

It was a funny thing, because I was in graduate school at the time learning to be a therapist. I was surrounded by real therapists every day, and couldn't help but be in an accelerated state of around the clock self-therapy, yet I found that what I needed at that time was here.

It started with the doom. My attraction to doom, I can see now, was a manifestation of depression. I truly couldn't see how life was anything but exhausting, and I would feel a subtle relief in the fantasy that something external would come and destroy the paradigm that I felt trapped in. It was like, if catastrophe happened, it would relieve the pressure from my shoulders and transfer it to the collective. I felt trapped in my choices and circumstance and didn't see my way out. In a crazy way, doom felt like relief, and I needed to entertain that possibility to cope with the pressure of the life I had chosen to live.

I didn't stay in that thought space very long, and as I started to feel more in control of my circumstances, my attraction to doom faded away. Obviously a long term attraction to doom would be a terrible way to experience life, but for me, in that short time, it was a stair step up from despair to letting go and accepting life for what it was.

Then, I was here to find my voice. Living in the academic world, there was a lot of pressure to conform to and fully embrace the mainstream beliefs in a chosen field of study. I (you won't be surprised to hear) have some beliefs that are outside of the mainstream narrative.

In my first semester of graduate school, I was in a class about childhood brain development, and at one point the professor said something like "I don't understand how some parents still choose not to vaccinate their children". I spoke up and said something about the potential toxicity of the heavy metals and how they affect the developing immune system, and you would have thought that I had revealed myself as Hitler. I was not prepared for the full on attack that I got from every person in that classroom. The emotional reaction that was directed at me left a mark on my confidence and a hesitation in my voice. I learned right away that it was not okay to oppose the professional consensus, and at the time it was really hard on my sense of developing professional identity. I developed a public speaking anxiety (partially a hold-over from early childhood bullying) and realized I needed to get my voice back FAST.

Anyway, posing here helped me express my voice and get very comfortable with opposition. It doesn't matter what is said here, there will be opposition, and that was an awesome thing to get to experience. I learned how to get solid in my beliefs and express them directly and tactfully. I learned how to recognize the elements of emotion behind every statement, and respond to the full intention of a statement rather than just the words. I learned how to not be affected by the emotional reactions of others and to engage in dialog with a calm and focused affect.

All of these things that I got to practice here, eventually transferred to my real life. I credit my now ability to speak and handle myself in the face of direct opposition to the stepping stone of these conversations. Finding my confidence in navigating the buffet of perspectives and communication styles posted by all of you was a true training ground in being able to do the same in the face of real people with real immediate emotions. It was exactly what I needed and it changed my life.

Then, there was my GLP boyfriend. Not long after creating my account here, i met a guy and started an online relationship. In true GLP fashion, it was the weirdest, yet most growth catalyzing dating experiences of my life. It was both ridiculous and incredible at the same time.

A little backstory on where I was coming from. I had been married in my early 20's and then divorced in my mid 20's. I wanted to be the kind of woman who was married early in life, but I had zero tools to actually choose someone who would be good for me. I re-created the exact dysfunctional dynamic that my parents had and it failed, crashed, and burned.

By the time I met this guy, I had developed a vague idea of what I wanted, but didn't know the first thing about what it would be like to get that. I didn't trust my relationship choices, I didn't trust other people to make decisions in my best interest, and I was cautious to the point of hyper vigilance. My heart had been broken as a result of my own poor choice and I was determined not to let that happen again.

This guy was heartbroken too, as he had been with a woman for something like 7 years, and she had just left him. I was completely aware that I was the rebound, and so put my guard up even higher. It was a mess from the start, but the kind of mess that blows through like a tornado and re-arranges everything.

From the start, we were talking to each other around the clock (long distance). He called me first thing in the morning every day, Anytime that I was not in class, we were talking on FaceTime, and we were texting non-stop otherwise. He was a fascinating and intense person. Again, in true GLP fashion, nothing was held back. We talked about our childhoods, our past relationships, our dreams for the future, our crazy world views, and the life we wanted to have together. Even though this part was awesome, the intensity mounted on the other side of the coin too. It was too hard to know someone at that level, but not actually have them in your physical life. We both started to test each other to the point of ridiculousness. We would read the others deep insecurities and push buttons almost to the others breaking point. Eventually we were just poking at each other and it was so irritating it was comical. It was like it was getting so serious so fast, but still felt very artificial because we hadn't actually met in person and established a physical connection. It was all mental and emotional, and got to be so top-heavy, it eventually toppled over.

The ending happened in a way that was just as intense and unusual as the whole thing. It was heartbreaking, but in the destruction, it stirred up all of my relationship issues and laid them out in a way that I could see them very clearly. It was a true catalyst to very good things happening for me after that, and I'm not sure any other experience could have given such an immediate result. For that reason alone, I can only be grateful for it.

This place has also unexpectedly helped me prop up my niche in my career. Being here was the first time I was exposed to the anger and frustration of men. I had obviously been exposed to the frustrations of women, because I'd spent so much time in Universities and the feminist worldview is such a presence in those places. It showed me the other side of of the coin and opened up the big picture understanding of the modern gender divide and what it means for the society we are navigating. There is a lot of straight up crass emotional volatility from both men and women, and that can be kind of tedious to wade through, but the conversations are happening here, and that's important. A lot of what I do in my professional life now is based in relationships, and having this dual understanding helps me do things that a lot of people in my field can't.

A thread here helped me leave a city that I was unhappy living in, and head out into uncharted territory, eventually landing in a place that I love living in and consider to be the true hidden gem of the US. It started with someone suggesting astro cartography, and I took the suggestion and again, it unfolded in a way that changed my life.

This place was the true "transitional object" that helped me get from a very tough place in my life to a good place. I don't log in often anymore, mostly because my offline life has gotten more interesting than my online life, and I'm busy doing other things. I still pop in and scroll through sometimes, and am happy to see all of you.

In all that it is and all that it does, I appreciate all of you that make up GLP. You are the darkest shadows and the brightest lights, all in one. You are the true collective unconscious, where I always found just what I needed to find. Happy New Year.