I'll be turning 27 this month.
I find it unbelievable both how quickly time has gone, and how much of it I can remember. It feels just like yesterday i was in 3rd grade watching the towers fall in September.
That day our religious education teacher was so gracious, so loving, and so heartbroken. She told many prayers and i remember herself and others specifically saying time was going to "quicken" the closer we got to the return of Christ. Also, she helped me understand our lives and those of animals have shortened because we were beginning to perceive time at a much faster pace. I remember very, very few children opted out of religious ed. I don't know how they turned out, but i know the same school no longer offers religious ed any longer.
That was probably the first time i was warned of perception destroying our short time. Our sins each shortened our perception of time by a very minute amount. Or obsessions, namely ourselves and our technology, took over our appreciation of life and God. Fast forward to today, or turn around once and here we are today.
I was told it is a choice. It's degeneracy, hate, lack of a relationship of god, worship of idols, lack of accomplishment, constant sin, loving thyself only and not others... I honestly didn't believe at that time people en masse were capable of being fully absorbed by evil. By their CHOOSING.
Then i graduated high school and went to a state college for 1 year.
It was that time that my awakening was flourishing.
I began to actually THINK.
I HATED my job.
I HATED my life path.
I HATED my location.
I HATED my body and diet.
I HATED my teachers and professors who were perpetuating this brainwashing.
I HATED sitting still listening to what i knew was lie.
I had much hate in my heart.
Then i lost so many of my loved ones, my friends, my scholarship, my dog, got into debt, watched people choose their desires with their free will rather than attempting selflessness.
Looking at the world, the disrespect for God and embrace of our own selfish desires and degeneracy has truly won.
It is too late.
And all i can do is love and live through this.
I still feel gifted to be alive. There are many times where maybe i shouldn't have lived, all the way back to my conception. I was poisoned most of my life ignorantly with diet and education, or worse, injury.
Today, i feel a need to be alone. (?)
I don't really know if that is particularly it though...
Not that i don't have family and friends that love me that i also love. More that most everyone (most, not all) seems lost, irreparably depressed and tarnished.
I close my eyes and remain still and what constantly crosses my mind is guilt.
I feel the guilt of sin, of failure and fatigue, the weight of an irreparable crack in the matrix.
The guilt of loneliness.
The guilt of not having a real relationship with God until now.
I'm not suicidal. I'm patient.
Do you know how strange it is to people to hear me say I'm not only ready for death but excited? I'm not even nihilistic anymore, I'm just disappointed in this material 3D realm.
Everyday i feel closer to hell.
I call out in prayer all the time and have began noticing answers, one way or another.
The alarm on my phone even once changed to a song called "prayer" all by itself.
Every year that passes i realize the feeling I've had since being a child was correct. I will have a short life, and this may be my soul's time to pass on.
The soul is stretched thin. I don't think the majority of people here even have much at all, if any.
And i pray.
I forgive.
I'm truly sorry.
I love you all.
Close your eyes, open your hearts. Breathe.
It's going to get worse, but we can literally be on fire and not feel it.
The deluge will mean just that.
The body will burn but the soul will not!
:memorybanner:
United States
