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Read part 1 of the series

The mechanics of elder mediation are not much different than other types of mediation, except that both "sides" in these disputes are members of the same family. Parentgiving.com got an inside perspective from elder mediator William Van Twisk of Brunswick, Maine. Parentgiving: In your experience, what are the most common issues or conflict points that require elder mediation? William Van Twisk: Right away, it's important to think of the services of mediators as helpful for more than resolving a present dispute. Many seniors are looking to "put their affairs in order" and their families appreciate that and want to help the best way to do that. Mediators help families get through the discomfort that accompanies the sometimes-difficult conversations needed to create sound plans going forward. Ultimately, all family members report that having these in place can be a source of great peace of mind. The lives of families are built on continually changing roles, relative levels of power and leadership responsibilities and adjusting to a time where children feel the need to "parent their parents" can be both physically and emotionally daunting. Mediation conferences take many directions, responding to the particular needs of the clients and are conducted so that each person can feel honored and respected and can contribute as they wish. Often the participants are very surprised and excited about what they are able to accomplish in this setting. "Mediators assist families to create the framework and plans to accomplish their goals." Mediation can facilitate conversations between an elder party and one's family circle in two main areas: First is in making plans and decisions to better accommodate the inevitable process of growing old—that is, adjusting to our gradual or sudden loss of the ability to independently carry out the usual functions of life. In this vein, children may wish to discuss with a parent important topics like guardianship, where another person will have legal authority to make health and welfare decisions (medical, consents, place of residence), or conservatorship, where a person is appointed to control the assets and finances. Less formal arrangements might include appointment of someone with specific powers of attorney, or even an informal agreement for a child or other person to be "on call" for help on a less-frequent basis. There are many levels and methods of having loved ones or outside services provide assistance or to have legal authority, and this can be an excellent discussion topic to be sure that children, spouses and other caregivers are all onboard and have a chance to be heard. The second broad area has to do with financial or estate planning, and might involve discussions about inheritances, where the elder can be clear about their intentions and prevent "bad surprises" when heirs learn about the terms of a will—I have a lengthy background in real estate and know how divisive that topic can be! Today, elders with significant assets often incorporate trust instruments in their financial or end-of-life plans, and involving the trust beneficiaries in this process is key. To personalize this, consider how blended families, second marriages and other typical complications present challenges for elders like "Barbara." Barbara needs to revise her will and make other plans now that her husband has died and her three children are wondering what might happen in her remaining years. But her children are so different and they've never been close to each other. One's unmarried, financially successful, lives far away and rarely visits. Another wants Barbara to come and live with her family so the grandchildren can get to know their grandmother better. And the third is newly married and her husband just lost his job. They wish Barbara would move closer so she could take care of their new baby and save them childcare cost. Barbara would like to spend the bulk of each year in a warmer climate. This family has a lot to talk about. The question of residency affects both these discussion topics. We're living longer, have options for moving to a child's home, face the high cost of assisted-living facilities, and wonder if we can shift assets around somehow so as to be able to qualify for certain services or living situations. Mediators don't give legal advice, write trust documents, interpret regulations or provide counseling—rather these services come from other professionals, but we assist families to create the framework and plans to accomplish their goals. Often those goals include simply having one's viewpoints acknowledged and respected, and maintaining healthy relationships. Parentgiving: Can you describe the circumstances regarding a difficult situation that you were asked to mediate? Van Twisk: In Maine, where I practice, disputes arising from matters submitted to the Probate Courts, like petitions for guardianship or inheritance disputes, are not required to first be submitted to mediation, like many other civil matters here. But that doesn't mean the Probate Judges don't wish they would! I mediated a case where we joined together a probate and a civil case involving "Beth" and her family. Active and feisty on the surface, Beth was living in a nursing home due to a chronic health condition. Sometimes feeling