Suicide and a Suicide Survivor (who lost a loved one).

This is my story and will keep it as short, but it isn't short because it's difficult to tell about a loved ones suicide without telling the facts as best as possible. I apologize but hope you will read and figure that I wrote this for you perhaps to gain a little insight into suiciding from one who is left behind.

The love of my life, a great person all around, who was financially secure, good looking and had a big heart with a lovely personality shot himself in the head not all that long ago. I never heard him ever speak of doing such a thing, but literally everybody he knew was privy to his personality change as well as his wanting to kill himself by gunshot. He literally worked to death and didn't have a minute to himself as the rest of his family fed off the fruits of his labor for years. We were a great match with a lot in common and also what each lacked, the other had to fill in the gaps. We took the prettiest of pictures at any event and looked like a Hollywood couple. We loved our pictures and couldn't believe how great they came out every time. But like many in this world, there was a dark cloud and I wasn't allowed to address it during our time together. You see, he had OCD and after the suicide, I realized it was OCPD (the personality disorder). The two are similar, yet very different problems with the latter much more serious and obscure. He sought perfection in everything including himself and us. His obsessive rituals where many and don't know how he found the time to complete them each day, but compelled to do so, so he did. You know, childhood and growing up is a special and very delicate thing. I think it is actually a rare person who is not somehow negatively effected by things one or both parents did to them whether knowingly or not. And there are different extremes of this negativity. Some grow up effected, but yet, not so much because there was not all that much to be effected by. Others, much, because there was much. The spectrum is large and there are also other factors such as the person, themself, as some can take more than others. Also, taking into consideration the kind of negative input thrown at a youngster, such as physical, mental and/or sexual (mental and physical combined). We have a big problem with satanic ritual abuse within families too, making for a type of molded person to this terrible thing. A young developing mind as well as the age of the person effected by any and/or all of these actions and the more intense, the more it changes a person. This is the reason I say that it is rare that someone is brought up without something that has negatively effected them when growing up.

Back to my love and then will talk a bit about myself too. The youngest of two, both never married nor kids in their later 40's with the eldest having some jealousy over the younger with not the best advice to offer ever like the blind leading the blind. Both siblings had everything and spoiled by materialism but mom n dad were globetrotters while kids stay home with grandma who was good to them, but not their parents. There were still high expectations, Private schools, paid educations and a start up business for the youngest workhorse while the other lives in a luxury penthouse. Yet all take from the family business while one does it all both day and night. Daddy was the main problem, yet not the only problem. While the older kid was praised for doing essentially nothing , the younger was belittled constantly, but Mommy tried her best to keep the peace. Poor baby child, couldn't make a damn thing right, but for a lifetime just kept trying. Didn't smile much, but a real nice person in a social type of family business that he ran to absolute perfection. Loved by all, friends, family and women who would love to have him. Nice, an established businessman, handsome, great dresser, clean looking AND of course with lots of $$$, but little time to spend any of it. Still, not much in the "Fun" department despite having little free time and the past hard working ladies where ok, but no real exchange of life as each lived their own while a short lived luxury vacation just came and went. And then, I came along and I told him to lighten up, dance for no reason, be silly and laugh at bad jokes, look at the stars in the sky and maybe wish on a shooting star if you see one, listen the lyrics of songs, leave the dishes till after the movie ends, help you tie your tie (even though he knew). The list goes on and on including the very, very taboo, toilet humor. Yup, that was a tough one, but you know, when you have celiac disease and don't exactly follow the diet, well, quite frankly, you fart and as a lady who can dress to the 9's with a man who can too, you come home from an elegant candlelight dinner on a 5 star cruiseline and "oops" with a grimace and a giggle as you look at him with a face of shock. For the first time in his life, he was laughing and I mean from the heart and soul, but the compulsive behavior couldn't leave him because he actually liked it.

After some 4 years, we broke off which wasn't the first time. I wasn't perfect, my little dog wasn't perfect yet got a weekly bath, my home neat and clean, but still not perfect, nor my car. What he never realized that these imperfections so to speak, really aren't. Several times did I try to gently bring up the compulsions and was immediately dismissed. You see, he didn't know he had a serious problem and I didn't know it was even worse than I thought it was. A problem I did try to bring up the family and was also dismissed. A few months after the break there was loss of weight, hair, happiness. Sure he took up with some sexy dressing, washed up, booze slamming, fowl mouthed old hag with spider leg mascara known around town to have been around several blocks (Told by many a person afterwards). But with something like that, a man will never take home to mother, but will let a man do anything thinking she will be taken home to his mother. What a mess indeed and that was anger. What got to him turned out to be the realization that he cannot change the world, even if just the world around him and that he, himself, is imperfect too. During those months he suffered so while I thought he just moved on and found someone else and me just forgotten about. I felt I must have thought he loved me so much, but he just moved on and that was that. I hoped he would just pick up the phone and we could figure something out to make such a deep love work. The call never came yet still I hoped, maybe tomorrow, next week, next month....next year and we will find our way. Meanwhile he was spiraling down and down and everyone knew except me. All the people I knew, knew. Yet the only phone call to me came after the fact. Why? It was at that moment in time that he went down, that he needed the most help because he wanted it and without it, he kept slipping deeper away. Real help. Not youtube self help videos. This man had a gun and they all knew it. He died alone and he could not have known that I was waiting for his return. If I'd known what the hell was going on, I'd have done something. Everything that should've been done to help him wasn't and even worse all that should never be done in this situation, was.

Now my turn for you to hopefully learn something. The call came from one of his friends to tell me the day it was done. Too long to go into even more detail, but to say I died too that day is the truth. Now, I live a different, changed person. It appears all his pain is now my pain and yes, it's excruciating. My love thought I wasn't there. My love thought he had no worth or legacy. My love loved me and told everyone despite a dirty pig pulling and chasing him down with all her might to receive his love. Yet every person knew "It was Always Us." Yet every person knew and never contacted me to save him. I married him after he died you know. I strive to live daily to work to leave him the legacy he thought he never had, but what he never realized was his legacy WAS HIM. I live in pain every minute of everyday and although our pictures are everywhere, it is hard to look at them. He is here, with me now and his candle never goes out. My pain is not only my own, but it is his too as he gave this to me when he left. I am as walking dead as he was, but there is a difference between us. He gave me reason to tell my/our story of what this all is about and how deep it is and don't think anyone can truly understand unless it has happened to them. He never realized in all his work day in and day out, that life, itself is work. Get up tie your shoe and expend energy (that's work). Go to college, go to work, fix a car, care for a pet(s), love someone with all of your heart if you are lucky enough to find that. Your life is your legacy. I must leave him the legacy he somehow did not know he had. Then I will work to show it for all to see until the day my time comes. He did not want to die and thought there was no other choice left for him as this is just how it happens for all who unfortunately succeed. There are ALWAYS choices. Always. Nobody wants to fucking die, they just thought that was the last choice left for them.

We are in tough times and our suicide rate is higher than ever. Someone reaches out in blatant or subtle ways.....Reach Back.