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Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander

 
Lleu Christopher
11/28/2004 08:22 PM
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Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
I was just talking about Mr. Cranky´s movie review site and thought this review of Oliver Stone´s Alexander was pretty funny.

[link to www.mrcranky.com]

Watching "Alexander" is like going on a first date, noticing in the first five minutes that your date hums to herself and suffers from bouts of involuntary drooling, then realizing that perhaps those tickets to the unabridged reading of War and Peace weren´t such a hot idea.

The movie opens with Old Ptolemy (Anthony Hopkins) wandering around a cheap-looking set in front of a backdrop of Alexandria, reciting tales of Alexander to his scribes. Immediately, savvy filmgoers will smell trouble. For starters, Old Ptolemy seems to be ad-libbing. Further, he tells us things that a more skilled filmmaker would be showing us. Third, as the movie progresses he shows up frequently, holding the pieces together like cinematic duct tape.

Though young Alexander (Connor Paolo) is being groomed to be king by his scheming mother Olympias (Angelina Jolie), all he really wants to do is fight with daddy and talk about his feelings. After another quick visit with Old Ptolemy, we cut right to grownup Alexander (Colin Farrell), who´s ascended to the throne and shakes around his long, blond locks like he´s starring in a Head & Shoulders commercial.

Alexander´s first order of business as king is to get embroiled in a land war in Asia. The battle scenes are large and expensive and feature more blood, chaos and carnage than an NBA game on Family Night. However, since we don´t know Alexander half as well as we know Old Ptolemy at this point, we don´t really care.

Nothing forges male bonds like sweaty warfare in armored skirts and "Alexander" has more gay sexual tension than a Promise Keepers´ meeting. Alexander loves his best buddy Hephaistion (Jared Leto), in that "ancient Greek" kind of way. Their lengthy "look we´re almost kissing" dance pauses only when Alexander finally attempts to produce an heir and treats his hastily-selected wife Roxane (Rosario Dawson) to what is undoubtedly the Worst Lay Ever.

Most bad movies eventually provide some relief by ending, but "Alexander" stubbornly refuses to give up the ghost. At one point, Alexander takes an arrow to the chest and we dare to hope the final credits will roll. However, he emerges bandaged but alive - at which point in my screening a perceptible wave of nausea flowed through the audience. It continues: People die. Emotive speeches are made. Then Old Ptolemy reappears (uh oh) to drone on incessantly about What It All Means. At this point, that nausea I mentioned became materially measurable.

Whenever the result of a movie involves broad-jumping puddles of vomit on your way out of the theater, one can say confidently that a failure has been had.
Frank
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
rofl

Thanks Lleu, I´ll remember to Avoid that flic!
XXX
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
Fuck off Medizer!
OAW
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Wow, that´s tough lol
Lleu Christopher
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
You do have to take his reviews with a grain of salt because he makes everything sound terrible. But I think I´ll skip this one. I´m not a big fan of Stone´s movies in general.
Antennas
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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I saw the film myself, and it´s a joke.

Literally.

I think Stone put everything that American´s hate (homosexuality, being the forerunner) into one movie and put out previews claiming it to be a huge epic as a joke. I was the only one that came out of the movie smiling and saying "now I know why I didn´t vote for Bush. Good one, Stone." While everyone else came out full of rage at the *GASP* homosexual nature of Alexander.

Stone is getting the exact reaction he wants. He´s showing that a person can actually be great, historical and strong...along with gay.

And Amerikans are not liking that one bit.

LOL. Joke´s on you, fools. I´d suggest you avoid this one, order some McDonald´s and watch some Blue Collar TV on Comedy Central instead.
Faydra.
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
Yeah all his reviews are rather cranky, but funny.
I just watched a really good show for the 5th time called "Equilibrium" starring Christian Bale and Sean Bean.
Antennas
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
Equilibrium was like 1984 meets The Matrix meets Farenheiht 411.

I still enjoyed it.
Lleu Christopher
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
Antennas, I haven´t seen the movie but do you really think Oliver Stone would do something like that? I think of him as someone with a big ego who needs lots of praise. Most of the reviews for this one were bad.

I haven´t seen Equilibrium.
Faydra.
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
I pretty much like everything Christain Bale is in, he is a great actor, also pretty good looking. I can´t believe how well he does an American accent...amazing, he and Colin Ferrell are both really good at faking as Americans! LOL!
Cinnamon Girl
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
Thanks for the review - will wait until it arrives to Netflix.

You should see Equilibrium - a future society doped up on drugs where art, reading books and listening to music is a criminal offense. Good movie...
Faydra.
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
lol Cinny!
Cinnamon Girl
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Fay, it saves me from paying $8 bucks plus snacks...
Faydra.
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
That is true!
popcorn & koolaid costs a lot at the theater!
Lleu Christopher
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
CG, I´m way behind on the latest technology. I barely know what Netflix is...you can download them online?
Faydra.
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
I wanted to add that Mr. Cranky has a review on the Spongebob Movie...and I saw that this weekend with my kids. While I found it overall fairly enjoyable---I wanted to say that the David Hasselhoff stuff was creeping me out big time! Especially the part where they are riding on his hairy back...

damned
Faydra.
12/08/2005 10:18 AM
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Re: Mr. Cranky´s review of Alexander
Mr. Cranky´s "Nuke" rating:

"Proof that Jesus died in vain."



lmao1rof1lol





GLP