BREAKING: Bill Barr Pisses On Trump's Big Macs One More Time On His Way Out The Door

Attorney General Bill Barr's last day is tomorrow, Yes, tomorrow, Dec. 23, 2020, Bill Barr will waddle out of the Justice Department for the last time, and after that, the only authoritarian moves he'll be able to pull will involve becoming an absolute tyrant about how many butterscotches you can have from his pocket. You know, unless he does some consulting after this gig, in which case I'm sure he'll find some fascist extra-curricular activity or another.

Barr told reporters that:

He would not be appointing a special counsel to investigate Hunter Biden, the Justice Department is doing a fine job with those investigations, therefore fuck off.

He would not be appointing a special counsel to investigate Trump's imaginary claims of massive voter fraud what stole the election from him. "If I thought a special counsel at this stage was the right tool and was appropriate, I would name one, but I haven't, and I'm not going to," Barr, who is quitting forever tomorrow, said. He reaffirmed his earlier comments about the security of the election, saying he was "sure there was fraud in this election," but nothing on the scale that changes the fact that Joe Biden repeatedly ran over Trump in his Trans Am, WITH VOTES, on Nov. 3. He said there was "no basis now for seizing machines by the federal government," and also fuck off.

Oh, and that massive Russian hack, the one that's compromised just about the entire US government and also many Fortune 500 companies? It was Russian. Just like Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said. "From the information that I have, I agree with Secretary Pompeo's assessment," said Barr. "It certainly appears to be the Russians, but I'm not going to discuss it beyond that."

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