IRISH JOKES,

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'

Paddy was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!

Patrick comes into the pub, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks, the bartender.

“Mickie and I had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little shit, Mickie,” says the bartender, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says the bartender, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “His wife’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.

What's an Irish seven-course meal?


A six-pack and a potato!

An Irishman walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. The daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The Irishman, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it.

Irishman walks into a bar with a pig under his arm. The bartender says, "Where did you get that dirty animal from?"

...and the pig replies, "I won him in a raffle"

How do you sink an Irish Navy submarine?

Answer: You knock on the front door.

What is the worst thing about flying Aer Lingus?

Answer: Having to use the outside toilet.

Why are the Irish so rich?

ANSWER: Because their capital is always Dublin.

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says River Cruises – $100.

He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”

The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year!"

As Aer Lingus crosses the Atlantic, it develops engine trouble and the captain is forced to announce this to passengers, :I am afraid that we have lost one of our four engines, so we'll be 15 minutes late for our arrival at Shannon Airport."

A few minutes later, the captain comes on the intercom and announces, "Sadly we have lost a second of our four engines, so we'll be an hour later for our arrival at Shannon Airport".

A few minutes later, the captain comes on the intercom and announces, "Sadly, we have now lost a third engine, so we're going to be three hours later arriving at Shannon Airport".

At this point, Paddy leans over to his wife and says, "Let's hope the fourth engine doesn't fail or we'll be up here all day".

What do you call an Irishman with a bottle of shampoo on his head?

Tim O'Tei.

Paddy goes to a wife-swapping party... and comes away with a second-hand freezer and a toaster oven.

Why did God invent alcohol?

To keep the Irish from ruling the world.

This is correct.

Great jokes,OP.

I saw your signature the other day and didn't think too much about it.

I just searched it and came to the conclusion that it's yours.

Now I think alot more about it.

We aren't cut out to be socialists.We are the people who couldn't be constrained by Europe. We are the malcontents, idealists, speculators, dreamers, inventors, debtors and criminals who would not be chained. We don't play well with others, we are brash, outlandish and cunning. Let us do what we do best; let us be Americans.

We're often perfectionists,too,so capitalize the "L" in the last sentence.

This really made me laugh

Oh you would.

I find this one insensitive since my drunk Irish ancestor was ran over by a train.