Clean jokes? Please share.

Posted elsewhere:

Guy goes to a tailor and wants a suit, but he doesn't have much money.
Tailor tells him, "I have just the suit for you! Great material! Very stylish! Beautiful workmanship!
But it is a little uneven."

Guy tries it on. One leg is kinda sideways and the arm on one side is too long. The back is loose.

The guy says "I can't wear this! It doesn't fit."

The tailor says "For the money, this suit is great! You just hump up your back, hold one arm out a little farther and pull your leg up a bit. Perfect fit."

Guy buys the suit and is walking down the street when a injury lawyer and a doctor specializing in birth defects see him walking.

One turns to the other and says

"Well, what do you think? Was this guy born like this or did he get hurt?"


The other one says

"I don't know, but don't his suit fit nice"

I posted on another thread: AC number changed though:

A man from Pittsburgh dies and goes to hell. When he gets there the devil is there and tells him since he lived a bad life that he will be set to work in the hot mines. So the devil sends him off to work.

A little while later Satan comes by the mines to check on the man's progress. To the devil's surprise the man is happy and working away. The devil asks: "Why are you happy?" The man replies "Oh, this is just like just like summer in Pittsburgh!"

Annoyed, the devil then sends him to work out into a field where there's lots of rain and wind. After awhile the devil comes back to find the man even happier than before. Starting to get really irritated the devil asks the man: "Why are you so happy?!" The man replies: "Oh, this is just like spring in Pittsburgh!"

Now quite angry the devil ships the man off to work again, this time to a bitterly cold and freezing landscape. When the devil comes back to check on the man the man is over the top cheerful and happy and even dancing! Satan is absolutely furious now and screams at the man: "WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY??" The man replies: "Hell froze over, the Pirates won the World Series!"

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implored the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The angel reappeared and announced that God had decided to make an exception and was allowing him to take one suitcase with him.

Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase, filled it with pure gold bars, and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man died and showed up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter returned, saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry- on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?”

Always liked this one!

Here's a really short one...

How do you make Holy Water...

You boil the Hell out of it...

What did the sushi say to the bee?


Wasaaaa Bee



Last Edited by Dogfood™ on 07/15/2021 01:20 AM

Why chicken cross road?

...because OP wants to wash it's pecker.

Thats not a clean joke is it?

He ought to choke your dirty little chicken for that!!!

Have you heard The Aristocrats by Gilbert Godfried? Good clean fun

Sorry OP. Not directed at you. Just tired and found it funny.

a horse walks into a bar...the bartender asks "why the long face?"

John Kerry walks into a bar... the bartender asks "why the long face?"

Why did the chicken cross the road.

To see the man lay bricks.

Haaa haaa.

This is an original I made (many years ago).

Knock, Knock.

Whose there?

Artichoke.

Artichoke who?

I outta choke you!

This is an original I made (many years ago).

Knock, Knock.

Whose there?

Artichoke.

Artichoke who?

I outta choke you!

Q: What do you call a man with without a body and without a nose?

A: Nobody knows


Q: What do you call a woman with one leg

A: Peg


Q: What do you call a woman with one leg?

A: Eileen

What’s the best way to create the perfect thread?


… delete everything you don’t like Taa Taaa daaa!

An Englishman, A Frenchman and a German are being held prisoner in the Iraq war but all 3 make plans to escape.

The Englishman says he´s going to find a rope to climb the wall. The Frenchman says he´s going to find a spade to dig a tunnel under the wall. The German says he´s going to find 4 springs and a duck.

The other two look at each other confused and ask the German how are you going to escape with that? The German replies
Four spring duck technique!

If a medium can communicate with the dead - imagine what a large can do!

Little old lady walks down to the bus stop and sees a little boy sitting on the bench there holding a large paper bag.
She sits next to him and says "Whatcha got in the bag there sonny?"
The little boy says excitedly "It's a surprise for my mommy!
The old lady's asks "is it flowers?"
"Nope!" Replies the boy.
"Is it candy?" Asks the old lady.
"Nope!" Replies the boy
"Is it cookies?" Asks the old lady
"Nope!" Replies the boy
This goes on for a couple minutes. Everything the old lady guesses is wrong.
Finally as the bus starts to approach she spies a wet spot on the bottom of the bag.
Reaching out she dabs her finger in it and tastes.
Snapping her fingers she says,"I got it! It's pickles!"
The little boy giggles and says "Nope! It's a puppy!"

Last Edited by Golbez on 07/15/2021 04:07 AM

Why did the burlar take a shower.....??

He wanted to make a clean getaway

john kerry, celine dion, silvester stallone, and a horse walk into a bar. the barman says "hey is there a long face convention in town or something!!!" stallone replied "i'll be back! ice to see you! adriaaaaannn!!!"

so what did sarah jessica parker say?!
Also ill be back is Arnolds thing?

Thanks, everyone! I'm out of karma for today, but I appreciate you all.

Last Edited by SoulWinner on 07/15/2021 09:25 PM

where do watermelons go in the summer?

john cougar mellencamp

What did Adam say to Eve

“Long time no see “

Yes !

You are awesome with these clean jokes

Paddy stood proudly in the middle of a large patch of soil after a hard days work and Murphy said...

"Now that I think about it... the "green side" is supposed to be at the top".

I paid a serial killer to strangle three people in a supermarket...

The next days dramatic newspaper headline was..


SUPERMARKET

ARTICHOKES THREE FOR A POUND!

what are 10 negros on the ocean floor,