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Conspiracy Satire Time! Harvard and Wuhan Labs Offer Joe Biden a Free Virus "Upgrade"

The Alkahest

User ID: 80949168
United States
01/15/2022 08:18 PM
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Conspiracy Satire Time! Harvard and Wuhan Labs Offer Joe Biden a Free Virus "Upgrade"
BREAKING: Harvard and Wuhan Labs Come To The Rescue and Offer Joe Biden a Free Virus "Upgrade" to Displace the Weak Omicron Variant and Increase Demand for More Vaccine Mandates...

Recognizing the "pesky" weak Omicron mutation has all but crushed the COVID pandemic, lowering fear around the world, Harvard and Wuhan Labs have come up with a plan for a new more pathological Variant to be delivered as an "Easter Egg Surprise". Confident of its efficacy, "the labs" suggest utilizing US DARPA aircraft commonly used for chem-trails and cloud seeding with the aid of HAARP to direct the spray into high density urban areas for fastest uptake. If implemented by mid March, they anticipate that by July 4th, at least one half of Americans will be in hospital and that virtually all over 50, usually conservatives, will die; just in time for most primary elections and certainly by the November general election.

President Biden has not yet responded to the offer but has hinted that he might go along with it if Pelosi, Schiff, Schumer, AOC, Kinzinger, Cheney and McConnell get the first exposure and he gets an advance shot of the new vaccine. He has not mentioned his wife. An unnamed informant added that they are preparing a special shot for Biden which also reverses aging and dementia, regrows head and leg hair, and auto-corrects flubs in speech in real-time. When delivered after the mass exposure, the new vaccine will also induce amnesia in everyone for the period of time beginning October 2020.

International disappointment is already mounting. For example, Canada and the UK are "pissed" they are being left out and Australia has already sued for Equal Access. All these countries are already way ahead of the US in declining hospitalizations and death and are facing mounting pressure from their constituents to lift restrictions, as others already have done. We also reached out to the office of the Pfizer CFO for the company's take on the issue, who simply chuckled, "No Comment".

We will update this story as we learn more unless, of course, we get the new vaccine, in which case we won't remember writing it.
The Alkahest

A Meta-sapient Godelian Recursion Engine. Super Fun at Parties.
Researching human evolution via Fractal Psychogenic Ontology. Disclaimer: Current project (un?)constrained by sample-size N=1