DIVORCED ONLY QUESTION - Question about marriage

In retrospect, when you got married, did you settle with whom you married because you thought that was the best you would get, even though you really always had a different type in mind?

Or, was the person you married exactly the type in every way you were looking for throughout your life; Your fantasy so to speak.

I titled this as divorced only because it would be impossible to get an unbiased answer from the currently married.
The married will always claim that's exactly what they wanted.
Especially if they want to continue to stay married. lmao

I'm bored and curious

After college and well into career, I was exhausted working hard at life to feel like I had "succeeded" without reaching satisfaction regardless of success. Felt like all I did was spin my wheels in the mud, there was no meaning, and every guy I dated was mentally ill in an unbearable way. I think almost everyone is mentally ill, just some are severe. My parents were drug addicts and I had no relationship with them(one was dead, the other tried to commit suicide and was committed to an asylum) and I had no faith in God. I was so lonely at the time. Desperate for something dependable and concrete. Every person I had thought I could trust had turned out anything but trustworthy. I had given up on thinking I would find anyone at all. I just wanted some companionship, even though I knew it wouldn't last, so I went on a date. We had not met before, but when he walked in and saw me I saw something click in his eyes. Later he told me he knew we were going to be married, that I was it, at first sight. He was dependable, not a liar, did not have mental issues that I could tell at the time, he was easy on the eyes, and was like me in not willing to go into debt, hard working, fairly reasonable. There were things that I did not like, but they did not measure up to the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. I needed someone to have my back. In case someone has the idea it was for financial stability, I made more money than he did until a couple years after I quit working to stay home with our children.

We're on marriage year seventeen now. He has been very difficult, is difficult daily since year three. We have three children and I do not want to divorce because I don't want to destroy their lives, only to still have to deal with him. I also am hoping he will get better after our oldest is out of the house, as the many issues we have revolve around the problems the eldest has. I have told him that if he doesn't address some of the problems then we will have to separate. I don't want to put too many details to make it identifying, but it's bad enough that if other people knew the problems they would not understand why I am still here. Infidelity (while getting it every day at home!) isn't even the worst of it.

So the question: did I settle? Kind of. The things I didn't like were the very indicators of the issues we have now. The things I didn't like were because they indicated these issues would become a problem. But I never dreamed you could find a perfect person. I knew marriage was about commitment despite circumstances. He is a man of commitment, for sure. Would I go back in time to change it? No, I love my children too much. And overall, I feel very blessed. We have worked together well to build a life that we aren't wealthy but we aren't lacking, and not many can say that. Also, I really do love him. I just hate how he can make me feel so often. I used to feel like he was sucking my soul dry, that I was spiritually dying. I have offered to separate without courts, he could just go live his life and visit when he wanted, but he insists he loves me and wants to be here. I've all but pushed him out the door to go make the life that would make him happier. But he doesn't want to go. Says he would be miserable without me.

So, you know, people tend to fuck up the good things in their lives when they're mentally unstable. It's hard to believe that he wants to be here at all with the way he acts at times. I am so appreciative that God saved me, so that I have the relationship with him to help me cope. I no longer feel spiritually void, and I can see the problems for what they really are: results of bad things that happened in his life, and his inability to cope or work through them.

But overall, marriage is hard because everyone is messed up. Whether or not you believe it, our flesh really was corrupted in the garden, and this makes relationships with one another in any format difficult at times. Some of us do better than others, but it is highly improbable to have two married together that are mostly sane. I think that it is to help one another do better. The person who is having a harder time behaving well sees a good example from the other, and hopefully can make progress. And the one who is the good example learns to truly love someone in a way you never would in an easy relationship, as well as reach to God for help. Ultimately that relationship is the most important, and I'm not sure I would've found it without the difficulties we have had in our marriage.

Life was never promised to be easy. And we are certainly miserable when we are selfish. Service to others is where peace comes from. Leaving God out of marriage makes addressing issues almost impossible for most. I've rambled enough.... I'm sorry to all of you who are divorced. I know the hole of trusting and losing trust in people that you love from before marriage, as well as during. It is very painful. But I do encourage a relationship with Jesus. He is truly never going to let you down.

And again, because they don't follow God and what he says