whats your favourite joke?

The Man in the Air Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Being raped.






-----> antijoke

Two black women were getting their picture made by a photographer with an old-time camera. They sat still as the photographer put his head under the black cloth. He would re-emerge to adjust the camera lense, and then put his head back under the cloth. repeatedly.
One woman said to the other "whats he doin?"
Second woman said "he's tryin to focus".
First woman replied "bofus?"

A Giant Panda escapes from the zoo and winds up outside a brothel, hungry, disshevelled and tired.
A tart with a heart takes him in and feeds him up, asking why he ran away. He enjoyed the meal, as it made a change from bamboo, and explained that he was frustrated because female pandasaren't often "in the mood", so he had gone in search of some action and got lost. The friendly working girl gives him some action, after which he falls into a deep sleep.

She wakes him up and asks for her fee.
The panda says 'What fee?"
She says, "Darling, I'm a prostitute - here's a dictionary, look it up - see, it says "A woman who has sex in exchange for money""
The panda says, "So what, I'm a Panda, look that up! Here, see, it says "Panda - eats shoots and leaves""

Diplomat wants water


An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? demanded the Grand Emir. A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One, stammered the wretched Abdul, white man sit on well.

I have two.

One is really long.......

OK. Here's the short one. It's old but funny.



Why did Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse get divorced?

She was fucking Goofy.

A guy wakes up one morning and hears a voice in his head. That voice says "Get up! Get up!" The guy thinks this is very weird but decides to do as the voice commands.

The voice in his head goes "Get in your car!" again, he complies.

The voice says "Go to the bank and get all your money!" so he does.

Then the voice says "Go to Las Vegas!" thinking the voice is asking a lot of him, still he decides to do as the voice says.

The voice goes "Go in the 3rd casino on the left and check into room 3219!" So he does.

The voice then says "Go to the 4th roulette table on the right. Put all your money on 17!" Now he's thinking "Oh my god!"

He goes down to the 4th roulette table on the right and puts all his money on 17. The wheel spins, and spins and spins and eventually stops on...16!

And the voice in his head goes "FUCK!!"

If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

Don't keep your farts in because they travel up your spine and get into your brain. That's where shitty ideas come from.

Now that is fucking funny.

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big guy looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

Of course I know alot of indian jokes, powwow jokes, but this one is my all time favorite:
A man was taking a tour of Europe and his friend was taking care of his house. He gets to his hotel in Paris and there is a telegram waiting for him: "Your cat Bo-bo is dead."
Aghast, he calls the friend and berates him..." for heavens sakes, couldnt you have softened this!!My dear pet is DEAD, just like that!! Couldnt you have said, 'your cat is on the roof and wont come down.' and I would call and you could have gently told me what happened?
Yeah, the friend says, Im sorry.
The next week, the guy is now in Brussels, checking in when the concierge hands him a telegram:
"Your mother's on the roof and wont come down."

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A ROOSTER WITH A TELEPHONE POLE?.........ANSWER.....A FIFTY FOOT COCK THAT WANTS TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE.

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

There is a clown walking through a dark forrest with a small child. The small child says, "mister, I'm scarred." "Your scared?" said the clown, "At least you don't have to walk back to the car by yourself."

...so this baby harp seal walks into a club...


has got to be one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard.

3 pregnant women in the dr.'s office, blond, brunet, and red head of course. the brunet jokes with the red head "I was on top so I'm having a girl". the red head goes along and says "He was on top so I'm having a boy". the blond breaks into tears and weeps "I'm having puppies?!"

The Devoted Wife

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

FieldOfLight

where is Lamce, all you bracelet wearers?

Q: What did they give the man who invented the doorknocker?
A: The No-Bell Prize.

Q: What do Eskimo's get when they sit on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: What’s Helen Keller’s favorite color?
A: Corduroy.

A horse walks into this bar...

...the bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile,
a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on
a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture
it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and
then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it
and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it,
have sex with it again and then burn it," said
the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist
said: "Meow."

I asked my girlfriend to tell me something that would
make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said I've got a bigger dick than my dad.

"Won't you kiss me, doctor," asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics,"
says the doctor.
"Please just one kiss," begs the woman.
"It's completely out of the question," he goes on.
"I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."