Do you feel like evil and darkness are always after you? Have you got the worst luck? Are there family curses?

Does it seem like great things fly right past you to get to the next person?

What is this?

Some might call it a curse. Others might think you are "just negative."

But it really doesn't make much sense, and it is far more than simply a possiblity. It's palpable to people around.

If you're anything like me, you can do your very best to be the very best you can be, and somehow all the very bad things seem to stick closer to you than your own shadow.

Loss, depression, poverty, loneliness, hatred... Seems this is the test of this life for me.

But I always laugh. I always smile. I always give up things for myself to help the others. I listen when people need to vent and genuinely care. But I'm sad.

I never really got to feel true innocence or nurturing as a child. I was more a burden to begin with. I always got hurt physically or emotionally. Even though my physical pain has been great, the emotional pain seems to hurt the worst.

Just as soon as I feel like I'm floating, just so so elated and at peace in the moment, something comes crashing down.

I used to ask why, but now I just see it as the way things are to be in this life... And it's made me numb.

I get the butterflies in my stomach but they aren't the giddy happy ones anymore... I "reach out" to see if anyone can help me, even with a smile or a hug, a simple complement... But I shouldn't be so naive.

And people wonder why I'm so quiet. So to myself. So "negative" about expectations.

My depression has been very thick and heavy lately. I just don't feel good. And my health and livelihood are always on some precipice of collapse.

My health isn't great and I'm only 30 years old. I've got a lot of signs of cancer but can't even afford to know...

My car engine just blew.

My dog that I love very much is very ill.

I don't feel desired.

I'm just being brutally honest here... Pouring my heart out.

People will post those evil comments. That's a given. Like I said, something about me in this life has a target on my head.

So Christ is all the more relatable. I completely understand him and what he went through and it really tears me up inside knowing that... So already I know I'm not "alone" in this.

Is it the devil? Is there so much potential and good in me that the others want to make sure it doesn't sprout?

I just don't know... I really don't. I don't get it...

I can go into a restaurant with my friends and they'll get their meal for free while I'm charged extra and they forget to give me things I've ordered. That's a tiny example but there have been countless examples in my life.

So I do ask myself why I'm even here.

Why do I keep going? Why do I try? Why don't I just "disappear" so the butterflies and sorrow can just stop.

Sometimes I just can't move.

My dad everyone says can roll around in shit and come out smelling like roses, same as my mom. So is this a balancing?

Everything was looking up. I was caught up on all my finances, had a car that I loved and was starting to try to be a bit more social, but it all fell apart again.

I just want somebody to love that will love me back. That smiles at the sight of me. That gets excited knowing I'm just... Here. And I don't know what that feels like.

I love you all.