I thought I was born defective.

There were many moments . It’s hard to condense years into sentences. See if you can draw similarities to how trans view themselves.

I was told I was bad from a very young age. Anytime I was curious about anything, the screws in the door hinge or the noise a spoon made if you hit it against the sink, I was scolded and my dad assumed I was being bad on purpose. It’s worse than I can depict because he was drunk all the time. These experiences made me shut off any expression in order to not upset my primary caregiver. I wanted his approval because I thought that was love. This is how all kids’ minds work.

My mom told me “You’re naturally skinny. It’s in your dna and you were born that way. “ I was always hungry and women would come up and tell her she needs to feed me more and that they would feed me at their house.” She’d say “She was born this way! It’s how she is naturally.”

She added a moral issue to my thinking(virtue signal). I believed not eating was good behavior because eating was selfish. I wanted her approval because I thought that was love.

Having my identity smashed very young and this bizarre obsession from my mom hoisted on me, was normal life to me.

In my teens I wanted to be a model so I could be the person my mom kept saying I am and I could feel good about it. But what I really wanted was to not feel alone, and bonding with those monsters for parents was impossible. I felt sickeningly lonely, but at that age I could hardly identify the feeling or what to do about it. So in my childlike mind I decided the problems in my life are all me, and I wanted to change everything about me on the inside and outside to fix myself.


Those identities change as you get older. You escape the cult you lived in. Other sane people in the world treat you like a normal person, who is good, and is hungry, so you see the contrast.

My mother in law asked why I eat like a bird. I said “I don’t take too much food because if I take it you might not have enough later.” Thinking this is polite. It’s not polite to starve yourself and nobody thinks it is. I learned that lesson that day, when she dragged 40lb of rice out and said “I’ll make more!” A healthy dose of anger at me snapped me out of the crazed dream I had been living in and I questioned what kind of mother would let her kid think eating is a type of sin?

What kind of mother teaches that masculinity is toxic?
Or that castration is happiness?
Or that injecting hormones not meant for your body is healthy?
Or that you were born defective?