Humor Break - Post your best

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

[link to www.youtube.com (secure)]

Did you hear about the leper hockey game? There was a face off in the corner.

Would have been the best ticket of all time:




Years ago, snow closings for a local news station were going direct to air with absolutely no validation, verification, or moderation whatsoever. (The results were beyond epic):

Lady walks into the Emergency Room and tells the doctor, I dont know whats wrong with my husband, he's been a grouch lately. The doc asks, Are you Sexually Active ? Lady say, No I just Lay there.

Asked my Chemist if he wanted to hear a joke about sodium.

He said "Na".

Parallel lines have so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never meet.

This guy always blew me away... He was a great comedian and magician with some very unique...talent?



(And doesn't he sound almost exactly like David Letterman?)

SOME OF YOU MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO STOMACH THIS ONE

Thread: "Mind if I smoke?" Meet the late Tom Mullica, the World-Class Cigarette-Eating Magician...

Oh, my... it’s a true story!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

There is a growing body of evidence that the apes we see today are regressed Globe Cultist, forever trapped in de-evolution.

Thread: I'll have a Coke!

Awesome...You made me think of this very old gem...
he just “wanted a Pepsi”...

What do you get when you combine a Cabbage Patch Doll with the Pillsbury Dough Boy?













A little brat with a yeast infection.

Not

Harvey of Harvey's Hardware wants to advertise his new line of nails, so he goes to an ad agency. The ad exec says ,"No problem. Come back in a week." The following week Harvey goes back and the ad exec reveals a poster with Christ on the cross and a caption underneath stating "Use Harvey's nails. They really stick!" Harvey is appalled and says,"You can't associate my nails with crucifying Christ! Think of something else!" The ad exec says ok and tells Harvey to come back in another week. The following week Harvey comes back and the ad exec reveals a poster of Christ running away from the cross, hotly pursued by Roman soldiers. The caption underneath read," This wouldn't have happened if you'd used Harvey's nails!"

A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.

"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."

"Okay", the operator says. "Please try to stay calm. First, we need to make sure he is dead".

"Okay", the man says.

The operator listens to an extended silence, followed by a gunshot.

"Okay", the man says. "Now what?"

An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...
After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,
Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.
He gives him a small glass bottle.
Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.
Next day the old man brings back the bottle but to the Doctor's surprise the bottle was completely clean and empty.
Doctor: What happened?
Old Man: After I went home, I first tried with my left hand,nothing happened. So, I shifted to the right hand but still no result.
Then, I asked my wife for some help, She first tried with the left hand and repeated the same with the right hand, She even went ahead and used her mouth but still nothing changed.
Doctor: Then, What Happened?
Old Man: Then, We called our next door young neighbor for the help, She tried the same with both the hands and then tried with the mouth but no progress was made.
Doctor: Wait, What? You even tried with your neighbor?
Old Man: Yes, But this fucking bottle still won't open.

An old communist man is caring for his ailing/dying wife.

Man: "Honey, is there anything I can do to bring you comfort?"

Wife: "Well, I have always wanted to try anal sex before I died"

Man: "Honey, I'm an old man and you aren't well. Are you sure that's the best idea?"

Wife: "You asked if there was anything and I told you that I want anal sex."

The old man agrees and later that evening they have anal sex. In the morning the wife is whistling, cooking, and cleaning. She look more alive than ever. The old communist man breaks down in tears.

Wife: "Honey, why are you crying? I feel so much better now."

Man: "YOU DUMB OLD BROAD! WE COULD HAVE SAVED LENIN THIS WAY".

A man takes a seat at a bar and waves at the bartender. “Gimme a shot of whiskey.”

Another man at the bar, notices his accent and asks, “You sound like a fellow Irishman. What county do you come from?” “I come from Kildare” the man replies. “Me too! What town in Kildare?” “Maynooth, born and raised,” the man says. “Me too! What a coincidence. What part of Maynooth?” “Near St. Mary’s, on Kilcock Rd.” “That’s amazing! Me too! Let me buy you a drink! Bartender, two whiskeys!” As the bartender pours two shots for the Irishmen, another bar patron comments on the amazing coincidence. “Nah,” says the bartender. “Just the Murphy twins drunk again.”

A pothead goes to the local dealer.
He says:
Yo, gimme something new, something strong!
Alright man, this is the new product in the market. replies the dealer. It's called "Light-Dark".
Light-Dark? Why? asks the pothead.
Just buy some, try it out, and you'll see why.
Our pothead buys the stuff, arrives at home and tells his dad:
Eyy, pops! I'm going out to the balcony for some fresh air.
His dad approved, he gets at the balcony, prepares a joint with the product, and starts smoking.
Maaaan, this is really some good shit! and suddenly, he sees light, dark. Light, dark. Light, dark.
The next day he goes to the dealer and says:
Yo, dude, you were right! This really is some good stuff, gimme some more!
Told you man! Here you go. Our pothead arrives at home and tells his dad:
Eyy, pops! I'm going out to the balcony for some fresh air.
Are you going to be staying there for 3 days again, son?

A crusty old man walks into a bank & says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that woman does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window & the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery & I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank." "Oh...I see," says the manager, "And is this bitch giving you a hard time sir...?"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

:lmmoney:

Two straight couples and a gay couple are having a party on a boat, when the boat sinks and they all drown. They all arrive at heaven’s gates together, and line up in front of St. Peter. The first straight couple approaches and asks, “Can we get into heaven?” St. Peter checks his book, and grimly replies: “No. You loved money so much, that you married a woman named Penny.” With that, he banishes them to hell. The second straight couple goes next, with the same question... “can we get into heaven?” Once again, St. Peter shakes his head: “No. You loved sweets so much, that you married a woman named Candy.” Again, he banishes them to hell. At this point one of the gay men nervously turns to his partner and whispers: “I gotta say.. this doesn’t look good, Dick.”