help me out GLP - give me your honest opinion about this family squabble

why? not a single person on here is ever gonna know who this is all about... and I'm sure I'm not the only one being helped by all the good advice.

Trust me -- my family or anyone they associate with ain't the GLP type... sucks for them...

I am truly being helped GLP - thanks.

Last Edited by julesvm on 08/30/2014 01:41 AM

I guess I need to figure that out.

I think it's always been out of duty - kinda like victims stick together...

wow how unsupportave. it sucks when family is horrible but your husband stood by you and is a good man. let him know how great he is, and thank him for all his hard work.

The only book you'll ever need to read...seriously...
[link to 38.media.tumblr.com]

Ummmm, NO!!!! Not fair. Are you walking a line? Or am I not understanding the situation?

I guess I was just saying he had a right to his opinion if he thought I was too long winded and emotional in my writing. My sister is very smart.

^^ THIS.

THis is the very short answer I agree with.




Ok- WTF? That is the strangest thing I have ever read. I want to hear more about THAT story.



Thank God for you. I was thinking the same thing- there is nothing 'great' about her writing style, and, she seems, to me, to be trying far too hard to prove herself intelligent. She is failing miserably. She throws out words that she doesn't know how to use properly, and doesn't finish her thoughts.

She obviously thinks that she is far more intelligent than she truly is, and, those are the worst kind of people. She is trying too hard.

Now, I have read this entire thread, and, I agree with Bob's analysis thus far, but, allow me to add a bit more: I think that, with her previous history of abuse, she is unstable and constantly trying to prove herself (right, or intelligent, or sexy- or whatever). I think this makes her a terrible person to be around, because someone who is so concerned with being 'the top' can't be concerned with being a decent person.

I have a sister that I don't speak to- we attend events with one another and go to one another's home but have not said a word to each other for nearly 11 years. She is a giant ball of jealousy and freaked out at me when I was pregnant with my son - saying she didn't want to share her grandparents (parents) with me and that her boys were supposed to be the only boys in the family. IT has been hard, because we grew up close, and, I can only imagine how damaged her heart or soul or head has to be to think in this capacity. However, I do the best that I can to not make myself nuts over it. It is better to cut your losses and move on than it is to be 'on edge' around a crazy family member. You moved 1200 miles away. That is a blessing.

I, personally, am never more stressed out than holidays. We dread them because my sister thinks the world ends at the tip of her nose, but, I won't miss holidays since I don't know how many more we will have with our parents. It is really sad, because I don't think I will ever get to enjoy holidays. Once my parents are gone, I will miss them, but, will be free from sis-o-crazy.

I send you a hug. Sister drama can be the worst, but, seriously - count those 1200 miles as a blessing, and your husband, though he may not be perfect, he did the best he could think of to protect you. You are blessed in many ways and her world must be very sad for her to act this way. Perhaps a prayer for her would do well for the souls of all.

You know, it was very immature of them to make fun of a dead friend. My feeling is, yes, cut the visit short. Just say, I think it's time for us to go and don't get tangled up in it. Sending e-mails is probably not helpful. Get a hotel if you have to next time (if you choose for there to be a next time) but feel free to end the visit at any time. Feel free not to explain yourself other than facts and observations and that we probably should be going. That it's probably just better for your son. You might as well forget trying to straighten anyone out. Just move forward with what you want to do.

Definition of "articulate" is linked here:

[link to www.merriam-webster.com]

"able to express ideas clearly and effectively in speech or writing"

You asshat.

Wild

Last Edited by I HAVE QUESTIONS on 08/30/2014 02:41 AM

okay - thought y'all might be interested in what I think I will reply (mostly cuz my mom asked me to make peace. comments and advice appreciated...

Clare –
I just became aware of the email exchange between you and Ted earlier today. I am sorry – he probably should have refrained from writing you.

In his defense, I see he wrote that right after my initial call from him while on the road and didn’t quite yet have all the information. I think he was just trying to be a staunch defender of his wife and family. I know you have mentioned in the past you get very angry about this tendency to do this because Rick never did that for you even when it was called for. So I am going to assume most of your response was actually from that place and apologize for any pain that caused you.

You email was completely deflective though of the matter at hand – that is what speaks volumes to me. For the sake of all my family (whom I love, including you) I just want to clear things up for the record that my issues were not EVER with what was said, my issues were with the way Nic’s pain was handled by you and Meg. Even if he heard things 100% wrong, I would have hoped you would have cared more about the fact it brought him to tears than his interpretation. I was there when you were seething at him that none of that was ever said and that you never laughed. You are a bully, especially under the influence as you often were that trip; I was scared of you as a 38 year old woman in that moment – of course he was scared as a young boy.

What he said he heard was Meg making fun of Homer (our friend who died that day) by saying he deserved to die for not wearing a helmet and being in a motorcycle gang of homos. And that you laughed. I can see that – that part about a gang of bad ass queens roaming the means streets of the suburbs does spark a funny picture. But to a boy who just lost someone he knew in the flesh, maybe not so much. Even Joey admitted that what actually happened was similar to that but Nic misunderstood. But is doesn’t really matter – he was hurting and it was just the crap on the cake for my kids that week.

Meg was merciless to them and encouraged Joey to be the same – I know she has never liked them but she was downright mean and many times I actually witnessed it. She would lie straight to my face, even when I heard her words from the deck above. So yeah, honestly, it wasn’t a far stretch for me to believe this went on. I get that they are teens and pre-teens so 99% of this I just sort of ignore but the fact is, these things hurt and you don’t seem to have a problem with her hurting my kids, physically or emotionally. I’ve been down that road before with you. I know my kids aren’t perfect – they can be annoying, pot stirring, irrational peeps (just like their momma) but they are not mean and hateful. They don’t enjoy hurting other people the way you seem to be okay with, not only for Meg but for yourself.

Which brings me to why I had to leave. You were not interested in resolving the situation – you were interested in being right. I know after close to 4 decades of being your sister when to cut my losses because the handwriting on the wall is nothing good when you get like that. It was better for me to leave, even knowing you would somehow turn that against me or use it to justify yourself in the situation.

The fact is I run from you because you are an intimidator and you do not ever accept blame or see things logically when you are in one of your moods. I am scared of you more often than not and it has ALWAYS been that way. Maybe that makes me a weak person, but it’s the only way I know how to cope with you. That breaks my heart.

So, it what it is… I think this whole family could use an entire Harvard class year to sort through all the psychological mess that is who we are but let’s not try to use that against one another with unfair insults the way you did.

I think Ted was being sincere when he said he wishes you would open yourself of to the love, forgiveness and healing that is found in Christ. While I am still certainly batshit crazy, it is the only thing that has allowed me to function at even a slightly random level of normal.

Anyway, peace. I think it’s best we just stay far away from each other but at the very least let’s do so in love and not bitterness and acrimony.

Love,
Jules

Asking the internet to judge is a risky move.

If this really happened, do they know their stink is being aired out?

You have no idea what the Karma effect will do to you, and your family.

Too many words often hurts the cause. If you have to deliver bad news, do it over the phone, if it's devastating news, do it in person.

Email bad choice here. Dude should have been more concise.

"I get the feeling your actions attacked my family. This upsets me. Let's talk."

She sounds like a cruel, mean person, and unfortunately, cruel mean people often have no feelings or empathy for other people. I would stay as far away from them in the future, or else she will continue to make your life miserable.

Just because you are related to someone, doesn't give them permission to be mean and cruel, and doesn't mean you have to put up with it.

Stay away from them, and spend time with people who have a heart and soul, not vile, mean people who think it's ok to make fun of someone who died in an accident.

Mean, cold-hearted people are excellent at hurting people's feelings then trying to make their victims feel that they are the ones with the problem. Don't buy into it for one second. Just walk away and say good riddance.

I think your sister and her spawn are heartless pieces of garbage. It's a shame you and your family have to risk a social encounter with them just to visit with other family members.

OP, just stay the hell away from that woman and her offspring.
no holidays birthdays NOTHING.
have no contact whatsoever anymore with them.
they are poison and will not change.

Tell them to F&^% off , one less xmas card to write ...

You CAN choose family....

I have particularly shitty siblings, so I empathize.

Your husband should have stayed out of it. Yes, I understand where he was coming from, but in the end it's your shitty sister, not his. Looking at the whole thread, the issues boil down to your sister and you, not abut your son. Granted, her daughter may have picked on your kids, but that stems from how your sister treats you.

I also think the second email is more fuel for the fire. She is going to use that against you in ways you don't even see yet, and it will come back and bite you in the ass.

What I see in this whole thing is you also need to be "right". You're escalating this as much as she is.

Cutting her out is really something you have to decide. You'll hit a point you're apathetic, rather then hurt, and it'll be a natural extension.

I think you're both wrong, and you're both sort of crazy in this. I also think your family is one that thrives of drama, and this will blow over and you and your sister will be back to normal.

I'm not sure about the 2nd part of this, but I do agree that the 2nd letter does fuel this further. I don't think she even deserved that. Best to let her stew in her own juices than make things any worse IMO. She's not worth it.

I would also say that I don't think one should hate the daughter, sort of going along with what Ducky has said about this being about the two of you.....the daughter is basically just a product of your sister's issues. If anything she probably needs the most love at this point, though might not be possible for you to give it obviously under the circumstances. Just a thought though before you spend forever hating her. How she has grown up isn't really her fault.

Last Edited by ajk on 08/30/2014 04:19 AM

Interesting... maybe it was, good enough just to write it and I don't have to send it. I don't want to escalate it.

I disagree with you i need to be right but maybe you see what i cannot hence the value of the thread.

You're right - my family of origin is drama. My current one is totally different. Maybe it's still defined as drama but not like that...

It's said at times that sometimes the best stress release can be just writing something to someone....without ever sending it to them. That just getting the feelings out alone can be healing for the writer. If you feel better for having wrote it, then I'd say it has served its' purpose in that way and no more needs to be done with it.

Thanks for both your replies. I think you are right. She is definitely more clever than I am and that might just bite me in the rear. Best to have gotten the emotion out and trash it...

Off topic...

GLP is awesome

Yes it is

Why I see you needing to be right is that your sister and her daughter hurt your kids feelings and you need her to validate your feelings (hence the term "right"). At least this is what I see your email being.

You and I could be in the same family. My husband and I are pretty drama free, and both of us came from a much different type of family. It doesn't make it easier when you are thrust back into a childhood dynamic, nor does all the choices you've made as an adult always come into play when dealing with it.

Writing can be beneficial. I did to a sister of mine, and I wrote it because I wanted things off my chest that she had done. She has never acknowledged that I said anything, nor do I expect her to ever do so. For me, the therapy was sending it, for my brother writing that he sucked major monkey balls as a human (direct quote) was therapeutic enough. If not sending it helps, then it was worth it to get it off your chest. If you need to send it, be prepared for her to tell God and everyone her interpretation of it and her to basically say I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not my fault.

"Clare" comes off like a stupid bitch who was educated far beyond her intellectual capacity.

is this new to you OP? I'm thinking not.

Either accept them as they are..........or say f**k it and let them go.
For myself............I would let them go.

You can't turn a snake into a squirrel.

never happens.

I think it depends on the relationship.....like in a case like this, I severely doubt a fight would solve much of anything. Our OP here Juliet can chime in if she likes, but...in a case like this, it'd likely not do anything, and perhaps even make a bad issue worse given the issues that exist already, and how her sister is in general. In any case, a fight can't fix someone who is already a crazy bitch you know?

In fact I knew an older woman who had a sister just like this who was a bitch to her and her other sisters for YEARS, and they all 3 hated her and all 3 fought with her both as kids and more recently as adults after burying the issues in effect for years and it didn't change anything about the relationship. None of them really wanted anything to do with her and vice versa beyond fighting each other. So in cases like these....fights aren't gonna work, not when the one person is unwilling to change how she is or has been to the others.

I do agree though in theory that, if more people be them women or men were to release that outlet of aggression from time to time on each other if things were so bad, a lot of issues may not get to where they are as most of them do tend to be rather silly at least at first. It's once they get let go so long that they grow.

I think in general in our culture we have a fear of fighting, basically feeling we HAVE to always be peaceful, and the laws themselves support that (in schools for example, big reason some issues become so bad there is cause of zero tolerance IMO), but it's not always practical. Sometimes emotions need released.....and if you bottle them up, THEN when they do come out it ends up so much worse than if they were let out at the start. I've long since felt a lot of violent crime wouldn't happen if issues were allowed to be resolved at the point of anger, because most would never get to the point of stabbings or shootings or whatever else (the aforementioned special examples I spoke about above aside). But because we're not allowed to get these things out safely, they build and build and build till they explode, or till there is no relationship left at all.

I do think women can do that more for one reason or another (although the generation now is a little less shy about getting physical than those past may have been, publicly anyway), playing the catty vindicative game, or feeling it's not ladylike to be fighting as a woman, but some of it is systemic, is a result of how our culture views aggression too I believe.

Anyway, I do agree with you for the most part, I think we would have less issues in society if we were more honest with each other (even if that meant exchanging some blows every now and then) rather than being fake. As I've said I don't think it'd solve all issues such as this one or the one I described of the woman I knew, but I do think in most cases it can do a fair bit of good.

Last Edited by ajk on 08/30/2014 04:54 AM

Really I must say this if you want to learn from this experience. It was all your fault. You should have never put you or your son in her presence. Not for a second. Especially sleeping over like that in the same house?!! End of story stop communicating w negative people! And trust me I haven't talked to my sister in years and I'm loving it. And trust me - and I'm not religious by no means - but some people will never "find god" bc they are just plain evil.