Armed Thugs take 9 children from Oregon Family

You said she reported it but you didn't say she reported it recently.

I think you have me mixed up with someone else. I understand this topic better than most here, and you don't need to get hostile at me. Read my posts again. We're on the same side of the issue.

I'm sorry 554999, I'm tired and misread your post. Ignore my last response to you, except that we are on the same side of the issue. Glad you reported it. I'm sure it did help, as all these little pieces help to build a case.

How the quotes are done on this site is a little confusing. No offense taken. I heard all about this a few weeks ago and was going to post on "TOPIX". I do not know if you read TOPIX or post there but you might want to do both. From what I read there Robyn's family is complaining and getting posts that give details of abuse done by Robyn and getting them removed. Too bed thay didn't try to stop Robyn instead of needing to protect her now. I really do not understand this at all, I just know what I saw

IMPORTANT:
Remember, the Drown case is an active investigation. PLEASE call Detective Martin Bennett 503 540-8007 at the Marion County Sheriff's Office if you have witnessed any of the Drown children being abused by Robyn Drown or you have been victimized spiritual raped or scammed by these two religious charlatans.

All Robyn Drown and her family want is the get her out of jail. They are not interested in the TRUTH and in fact spend a great deal of time preventing it from being told.

You might think what you have to say is not helpful or "big" enough to matter but it could be something that helps fill in some of the missing pieces or stops her families current interpretation of reality from being the only one presented. of so make the call.


Unlike a legitimate religions, in World Wide Church of god, being honest and decent are not requirements for salvation. God has nothing to do with this sham faith all you have to do is belong to the cult and you are "in". Good thing too, as their founder and spiritual leader Herbert Armstrong was a nasty child raping pervert who was accused of incest by his own daughter. Of course, he was just a "victim" of his daughters lies, she just wanted to tarnish his reputation. There is actually footage of his son Ted Garner Armstrong sexually assaulting someone on the internet but that too was probably just fabricated... sounding familiar?

Another thing the WWCG and it's affiliates have in common - a paranoia that the "government" is out to get them. Graydon Drown, Robyn Lewis Drown Lewis, and Robyn Lewis Drown Lewis' family subscribe to the paranoid
"government conspiracy" theory. Her relatives and wack-o "friends" are evident just by what they say. It's pathetic that the children are put up for sacrifice. All these nutty adults belong in jail, not just Robyn and Graydon.

Th character of all these people will be judged by the thing that have so carelessly said in blogs. It might be a good thing to protect the children should any of them want to get custody.

As far as WCG. Cults seek out weak and spiritually damaged people who cannot find their own way. People who join them want someone that will control every aspect of their lives, so they never have to do it for themselves. It's really a perfect set up, except of course for the children that are dragged into "christian" cults, like WCG, by their weak minded parents.

Now another generation of this family has been broken by WCG, children that do not even belong or know much about it have been harmed by the teachings of this "church". How sick it that?

The sad thing is that the Lewis family seems to lack any insight into the part they played in this tragedy. When will the time come too take a long look at where all this sickness started? It was long before Robyn ever met Graydon. Robyn has told many people that she was severely abused as a child. Just like it was once easier for the Lewis's to join a cult that to develop a real relationship with God now it is easier for them to blame and judge others that be honest with themselves.


Gossip has it that both "parents" have accepted a plea. Note that this is gossip posted on "TOPIX" and I am saying so CLEARLY and up front.

Lots of posts have recently disappeared from Topix.

Is WWCG a Christian cult? I thought they were based on the Old Testament, or should I say pirated from the OT. Graydon has twisted it in his sick mind into his own form of "Judaisam". I haven't been able to find anything about "christ" in it.

Why is there nothing in the news if there was a plea? This link on Topix shows they still have a court appearance in December.

[link to apps.co.marion.or.us]

The whole "court" and "Topix" thing is strange.

Again it seems someone in the family or church or? Is out to make an example of them. As I said before I don't have a dog in this fight.

It sure looks as though certain people want to keep this thread alive.

Just my two cents.

And yes I realize that I'm keeping it alive as well by responding. I'm only wanting to bring attention to what I think is occuring in this thread.

Perhaps if there was information elsewhere then people wouldn't rely on this thread. Topix is being censored. Statesman journal hasn't released any new info. Do YOU have any suggestions on where the public can get updates? Looks like this thread is it for now. No vandeta. No example. No axe to grind, Just want to know where in my neighborhood a child abuser may reside or be on the loose.

You "don't have a dog in this fight"? Looks like you are another one of these conspiracy theorists. "Do you work for the state" is a dead give away.

Is WWCG a Christian cult?



Yes.

DROWN, GRAYDON CHARLES

DROWN, GRAYDON CHARLES SID: 17466067 LODGED
Lodged: 06/19/2008 17:10 Max: DoB: 12/09/1959
Arrest: SMS Type: PROBABL Docket: 08C44785 Hold Auth: MARION
Charge Bail Status Next Court Release
1 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
2 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
3 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
4 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
5 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
6 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
7 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
8 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
9 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
10 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
11 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
12 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
13 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
14 ASSA II NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
15 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
16 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
17 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
18 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
19 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
20 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
21 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
22 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
23 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
24 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
25 MISTREA I NO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI


DROWN, ROBYN KAY

DROWN, ROBYN KAY SID: 17087118 LODGED
Lodged: 06/19/2008 17:04 Max: DoB: 08/02/1966
Arrest: SMS Type: PROBABL Docket: 08C44786 Hold Auth: MARION
Charge Bail Status Next Court Release
1 ASSA II 1030000 PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
2 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
3 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
4 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
5 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
6 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
7 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
8 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
9 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
10 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI

28-NOV-2008 04:00 Page 28

11 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
12 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
13 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
14 ASSA II CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
15 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
16 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
17 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
18 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
19 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
20 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
21 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
22 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
23 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
24 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI
25 MISTREA I CO BAIL PRETRIA12/15/2008 09:00 CIRCUI

Thank you.
More..
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

The bitch has a new attorney and looks like she would rather make her children testify that that the very generous plea of 8 years.

It's not a matter of innocence or else the Lewis family is would not be trying to influence the children's testimony. Hopefully the jury will see the truth and they all live to regret not taking the plea.

Why did the family wait until so close to the trial date to hire an attorney? Maybe the family thought that public defender is in on the plot against poor innocent Robyn? Or they just tried to postpone the trial with the late switch until new evidence or the real perpetrator of the baby beatings can be found?

Anyone remember Diane Downs and her "bushy haired stranger" defense? The level of sick dishonesty and "oh, poor me" going on here really reminds me of Diane Downs. I think it's because both Diane Downs and Robyn Drown are sociopath. Well, on the plus side at least public funds (IE our TAX DOLLARS) are no longer being spent on an attorney.

Is trying to get a witnesses to change their testimony in the best interest of justice? I think there might even be some kind of laws against it? Someone should check on that. So, I can't help wondering, why G-maw is discussing the testimony with the kids, especially since Robyn is "also a victim" and all? Doesn't she trust the kids to do the right thing without her help? Next time G-maw needs to also remind them not to tell anyone about the conversations.

This is interesting. Of course there is a law against it, and hopefully a skilful prosecutor will expose "G-maw" for her manipulations. Poor kids. Does no one on the Lewis family even care?

yes they care about getting Robyn's guilty ass out of jail because after all if Robyn is guilty of child abuse so is everyone who had a party to it. So much neater and simpler to just blame it all on Graydon.

Don't expect much comment from the family as they might actually listen to the new attorney since they are paying for his time.

Do you think that G-maw can be arrested for witness tampering? That would add a air certain irony to the whole oh so superior, righteous judgments and hurling of inslghtless insult thing the family has going on. Maybe at the trial... she can hang out with Robyn in jail and get to know her evil (did not evolve much from the Lewis gene pool) spawn better.

someone asked on TOPIX if DHS and the DA have been notified. This information actually came from "offical" sources. everyone who needs to know was told by the kids

Oddly enough, Diane Downs is up for parole! She get parole reviews every few years because she killed her daughter before Measure 11. After 25 years she STILL maintains her innocents. Yep, it's what narcissistic sociopaths do, they are ALWAYS innocent becasue they simply adjust reality to accommodate or excuse their actions. Sound like anyone we know? DO an internet search for her most recent many page tirade on how she was railroaded.
Her father (who she accused of abusing her as a child) maintains a website dedicated to Diane Downs's innocents. Maybe the Lewis's should start one of for poor Robyn too.

Diane Downs maintains innocence as parole hearing looms

06:13 PM PST on Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Associated Press


KGW report on Diane Downs parole

Downs up for parole

Raw: Archive interview
SALEM, Ore. -- Twenty-five years later, Diane Downs still insists that she is innocent of shooting her children, one fatally, in a crime that riveted Oregonians and was recounted in an Ann Rule book and a TV movie starring Farrah Fawcett.

Next Tuesday, she comes up for a parole hearing. Anticipating a crowd of reporters and others, the parole board has moved its hearing to a community college studio.

Downs, now 53, was convicted in 1984. Suspicion turned to her shortly after she arrived at a Springfield hospital, her three children wounded and a bullet in her left arm, shouting, "Somebody just shot my kids!"

The prosecution said Downs shot them because she hoped to free herself to rekindle a romance with a married Arizona man.

Key testimony came from her oldest daughter, Christie Ann, who was 8 when shot. A 7-year-old daughter, Cheryl, died from her wounds and Downs' 3-year-old son, Daniel, was paralyzed.

Sobbing at times, Christie Ann testified that her mother took a gun out of the trunk of the parked car and opened fire.

Oregonians were shocked and captivated by the horrific story through a six-week trial, at which Downs claimed that a man shot the children.

"Over the years, I have told you and the rest of the world that a man shot me and my children. I have never changed my story," she wrote in her parole application.

Prosecutors scoff and point to her varying stories: A "bushy-haired stranger" flagged down her car and shot her and the children. Or the shootings were done by two men wearing ski masks. Or the shootings were the doings of drug dealers and corrupt law enforcement officials.

"Downs continues to fail to demonstrate any honest insight into her criminal behavior," Lane County District Attorney Douglass Harcleroad wrote the parole board. "... Even after her convictions, she continues to fabricate new versions of events under which the crimes occurred."

Her chief prosecutor at the time, Fred Hugi, is now retired. He adopted the surviving children, who are reported to have productive adult lives.

Harcleroad said Danny remains paralyzed from the chest down and "will be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Christie has permanent partial paralysis on one side of her body."

After the trial, Ann Rule had a best-seller with "Small Sacrifices," and Farrah Fawcett played Downs in a made-for-TV movie.

Downs had 10 days of freedom when she escaped in 1987, scaling a Salem prison fence in broad daylight at a time when the prison was short of staff.

My note: Down's managed to get pregnant during this escape and was close to due at the trial

After capturing her, Oregon officials sent her out of state. At the hearing, she will testify from the Valley State Prison for Women in Chowchilla, Calif.

In prison, Downs got an associate's college degree in general studies but says she has had nothing to gain from prison programs or self-help groups since being transferred to the California prison system in 1993.

Before Oregon voters in 1994 approved mandatory minimum sentences for major crimes, prisoners were eligible for early release. There are still hundreds of prisoners like Downs eligible for such consideration because their crimes predate Measure 11.

At the hearing Downs will not be allowed to give a statement. Instead, she will respond to questions posed by the three members of the parole board.

Prosecutors and victims, or their representatives, can be heard in person, by phone or in writing.

After the testimony, the board will deliberate in private and announce its decision, expected on the same day. It rarely grants such requests.

If Downs' parole is denied, her next chance for reconsideration will be in two years. If she ever is granted parole, her release will be delayed 14 months for the extra sentence she received for her 1987 escape.

Topix is being seriously censored. Anyone know how that can be happening?

Why does this thread keep reappearing? You should be banned.

So says the Lewis family. Well too bad. This thread is out or your control.

Actually, this site is owned by Cornell University (meaning non profit) TOPIX is a for profit venture so has advertisers and investors. It looks like the TOPIX will remove anything after only two or three complaints, no matter the content. It is doubtful they even have a screening process, if someone complains and gives the post number it is removed. However if you repost, it stays up till the next complaint, so keep posting and RE POSTING and be CLEAR that for any post that is removed you will post TWO even worse.

Here's a thought. Why don't you stop being such a finger pointing cry baby? You do not have ANY problem dishing it out, it is laughable that you can't take it.
I do not think that some WORDS on the internet is the problem needing fixing.

So...why, why, why?....

If Robyn and Graydon Drown were not seriously f'ed up child abusers who had twelve children they were/are not mental, emotionally or economically prepared to care for this post would not exist.


Is there anything here you can actually disprove?
Lets just look at the past few weeks. Is it not true that there was a fairly last minute public defender firing and hiring of a new attorney? One that specializes in criminal defense? Didn't the grandmother discussed testimony about mom with some of the children?

I bet you do wish it would all disappear, especially the the part where people found out about the possible jury tampering. I hope every possibly illegal action perpetuated by the Lewis family is looked over with a microscope.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'


This is too funny NOT to share.

Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.
I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"
Koles 12/05/2008

---- x ----
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Torston 12/05/2008

---- x ----
A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
Torston 12/05/2008

---- x ----
Back during the Clinton presidency days, the president once stepped down from Air force one carrying a pig under each arm.
As he come down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snapped to a salute.
Clinton said, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full."
"Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responded the Marine.
"Now hold on," said Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks."
"Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" said the Marine.
"I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explained.
The Marine answered, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"
Jim 12/05/2008

---- x ----
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
Andrew 12/03/2008

---- x ----
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Andrew 12/03/2008

---- x ----
Heaven is where the police are British, the Chefs are Italians, the mechanics German, the lovers french and it is all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians.
Andrew 12/03/2008

---- x ----
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.
He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
Koles 12/02/2008

---- x ----
Back during the days of the Soviet Union, it took 10 years to get a car after you paid for one.
Once, a young guy went to the car dealership to order a car. He paid the money, and the asked when can he come and get the car.
"It will be here, waiting for you, exactly 10 years from today".
The man signed the papers, started waliking away and then stooped, turned and asked the salesman: "Wait, will it be ready at the morning or at the afternnon".
"What difference does it make?", asked the salesman.
"Well", answered the man, "the plumber is coming in the morning".
Jim 12/02/2008

---- x ----
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
Koles 12/02/2008

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".
Jim 12/01/2008

---- x ----
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Jim 12/01/2008

---- x ----
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I address the
court?"
Judge: "Of course."
Defendant: "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."
Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking."
Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch."
Jim 12/01/2008

---- x ----
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”
“A mongoose.”
“What for?”
“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”
“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”
“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”
Jim 11/29/2008

---- x ----
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.
Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”
Gloria said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
Alan asked, “Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?”
Gloria replied, “No, just up to my waist.”
Jim 11/29/2008

---- x ----
A young polar bear walks up to his dad one day and asks, "Dad, am I a pure polar beara, you know, not part black bear, brown bear, or grizzly bear?"
" You come from a long line of proud and strong polar bears. Why do you ask, son?"
"Because I am cold"
Jim 11/29/2008

---- x ----
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Jim 11/26/2008

---- x ----
"My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.
"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.
"He was 95 years old", answers the man.
"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".
"Because his parachute didn't open".
Jim 11/26/2008

---- x ----
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.
"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."
Jim 11/26/2008

---- x ----
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.
After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"
Jim 11/25/2008

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...
Jim 11/25/2008

---- x ----
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Jim 11/25/2008

---- x ----
A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans
(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills
you.
Jim 11/25/2008

---- x ----
A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.
First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.
After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.
The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."
Koles 11/24/2008

---- x ----
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
Jim 11/24/2008

---- x ----
A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "You must be Polish"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something."
" If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?"
"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"
" Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?"
"Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
"And If I'd asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"
" Well, I probably wouldn't."
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
Andy 11/24/2008

---- x ----
These 4 gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son Kent," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "Norm's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Greg, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Chico's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Email Homepage April Welch 11/24/2008

---- x ----
Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.
The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.
She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she’d be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
“Tell me,” she said suspiciously, “what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?”
The actuary looked through his tables and said, “A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand.”
She nodded, then thought for a moment. “So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?”
Again he went through his tables.
“Extremely remote,” he said. “About one in a billion.”
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office.
And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.
Jim 11/22/2008

---- x ----
There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he’d got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, “Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.”
Jim 11/22/2008

---- x ----
It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice…
Jim 11/22/2008