How are you doing tonight, Simple?
Quoting: CuriousSeeker I'm not so well. I know I've been pretty distant lately. And especially tonight. I apologize to everyone for that.
I'm "stuck in a rut."
And it sucks. I don't want to bring negative energy to others, but I feel like I am because I am so down. I can't even really explain it. I just feel empty.
Oh, and it is SUPER foggy here all of a sudden. Reminds me of those pics from China from the air pollution. It's THAT thick. Gross!
Quoting: Simple27 (Caution wall of text incoming)
I have been thinking about you. There are situational reasons you could have lodged into a funk. IMO - maybe because I finally ran the fuck away from endless winter 6 years ago and have not wanted to look back - I think winter is part of what has you in this vice. Hard in the vice grip of discontent. Your area has had record breaking snowfall, horrible winter that STILL has not ended. All roller coaster barometric pressure, well in this thread I think we can all agree you just cant blow that off. So we have this physical beast of winter and you have had a particularly hard battle this year.
Next we have your daughter entering a new stage of development for her body physically as well as her brain. I really don't think young adults fly right until they get to be around 24. They just don't tick the same way until all that hormonal and brain change calms down again. So strategies that might have worked in the past go straight out the window and it gets to being a ride with a lot of turbulence.
Now parenting we all have our methods. I just want to share a discovery I made in the Military. When I was in, they used to give me all the "problem" troops. So I would end up with 5-6 very young Airmen assigned to me as sort of a "rehabilitive" step. What I saw in them usually was smart young people who were done with authority and because of their own emotions sort of seemed to come to me with an air of rebellion. They almost always came to me from bosses who were bossy/pushy/all black and white. In all cases these youngsters could be turned around if you spent the time educating them about the why of the process, for some human beings "because I told you so" doesn't work.
So I would open myself to them as a human being and teach them the whys. I found if they felt like I understood them suddenly they would literally blossom into people that wanted to make me happy. They wanted me to be proud of them. They wanted to earn my respect and because I had taken the time to "learn" about them and figure out for each separate one of them what their particular carrot of motivation was they were loyal enough to me the turn around was noticed around the base. They were referred to as "my baby ducks" because they sure enough would fall in line.
Why I go on about all this is I see many parents, trained and programed by culture and their upbringing to be in one mode only with these growing human beings, and that mode is "I AM THE AUTHORITY" - (well for goodness sakes of course you are, but you see you can do that without projecting such a firm line in the sand) I never lost positional authority over those young troops, I was never "their friend" - I was an adult who tried to understand where they were coming from, get inside that and find their motivation, and reward them with praise when the showed any types of growth/improvement or mastery over their environments. Maybe its all high manipulation and I was fortunate enough not to get a serious turd, I don't know but it worked.
Kids want to see us as "some other" and society really molds with so much age segregation. Most adults think they can't even conversate with teens and so they just stand with other adults and say oh yea, going through THAT stage.
But inside that teen ager is a human being that is scared, knows they are pulling a bluff on you, needs you more than ever, thinks you don't care and don't understand. Somehow its our job to get past all that and the raging storms of hormones.
Most teens also have to navigate the most bullshit peer time in their lives while this disenchantment with mommy and daddy is also going on. Can you imagine how terrifying it is for them, small boats tossed by such a huge Sea which is what life is.
So she is rude and mouthy? I think what that means is "I am scared shitless" but the disconnect is she is also not a little girl anymore. She is a terrified PERSON - even if you see the child. She is trying to navigate situations she doesn't have the tools for. And lashing out like any cornered animal. That I think is where your daughter is Simple but that is just a guess. You know her, and I am only generalizing based on what I have seen, felt, and remember.
I share a lot of stories with my son about the times I had to navigate difficult, painful, funny, embarrassing times in my own life - and yes I still have to crack the whip but its administered so rarely he knows I am bloody serious when it happens and he also knows he went over the line.
You will never win with any other human being if what is being engaged in is a power struggle. I think you have to distract teenagers and young adults and manipulate them without their knowing just like distracting toddlers. Is exhausting staying ahead of these people we created. BUT that is what you have to do, you can just never sit down with them - this is an EVEN BIGGER CHALLENGE IF YOU ARE ALONE, TIRED, FIGHTING CHRONIC ILLNESS, GOING THROUGH SHIT AT WORK, FIGURING OUT HOW TO PAY FOR AN UNEXPECTED LARGE BILL, GOT BAD NEWS ABOUT SOMETHING, or have your own freaking issues/disappointments/frustration/and hormonal fluctuations going on. Life aint smooth. Its a bumpy road or choppy waters.
I hope I have not insulted anybody here with my opinions. But just think about it, everyone of us on this site has some issues with authority/government etc. Admit it something around an issue you felt "different" about brought you here - our children are no different. They too don't know what the hell is going on, can you imagine how terrifying that is if the grownups they depend are hard to talk to?
Finally Simple the other thing I want you to do is really consider the side effects on your mood that the treatment you are going through might have. That slipped by me a few times on my illness journey - for example I have had meds make me so overly sensitive to sound I have turned into an angry animal from hell snapping at every one inside my head, like why do you ladies have to be so loud up in here. Let alone the jabbering, laughing nonsense coming out of my kid like non-fucking-stop can you shut up???? Ok, have a laugh at that but meds, even ones that might help in some ways can cause surprises in others and of course when we are tired/down etc we are forgetting there might be this whole other influence in that respect.
I want you to take care Simple. You have not burdened anyone here - it seems we all have found a safe place in this group, almost daily one of us makes a confession in here and blares out their heart moments - that said, and maybe its just that I am intuitive, it is clear you need respite, you truly need respite and rest. Perhaps a very slow visit to the Boston Museum of Art alone, all that white, tall open space, all those Art works, all that antiquity, go see those samurai swords and get your inner warrior on, go look at all those Egyptian treasures - or a long day at the cosmetic counters smelling and touching things, all that light, all those pretty colors and scents, or go get lost for hours in the very best corner of a book store, or have high tea in that fancy place down by the Garden. Something different, out of the rut, pampering, its time to fill your tanks back up Simple. Reset. What ever your method is. The journey into a whole new stage of life with your daughter is beginning and you are going to need gas in the tank, good tires, gps, humor, and chocolate bars I think. (have you ever been over to the Harvard Museum of Natural History and seen their glass flower display? It was created for Botany students in the last century I think - all those flowers translucent in that room full of light, light tables, talk about shock the brain out of winter!!! Magnificent!!) Then go eat a burger in that place across the street from the yard. You have to know that crazy place on Mass Avenue. ***good thing I know the area, :-)
I am sending you Love and healing energy today.
I think the first mission agenda is RESTORE -
not tackle, deal with or solve right now -
RESTORE YOU, restock your reserves.